In music, a grace note is a note that is held for a brief moment...barely touched on the piano. "Grace Notes" seems like a fitting name for this blog. Our lives changed when I carried our daughter, Grace, for 9 months only to hold her (in my earthly opinion) for a brief moment. She lives in heaven with her Savior. If only that comfort, that sure hope we have, would take away the pain of missing her.

"As you do not know the path of the wind, or how the body is formed in a mother's womb, so you cannot understand the work of God, the Maker of all things." Ecclesiastes 11:5

We are always thankful for Grace.

Thursday, December 20, 2012

December 20

Today is December 20, 2012. Three years ago today we shared some exciting news with our families. At that time, things were continuing to go according to our plans. Five months later our lives became so different...forever changed.

Where are we today...3 years later? Bob chose to end his 16 year career as a professional firefighter. We sold our home in TN and moved back to WI in August. We purchased a small-town, family-owned hardware store which has forced me back into socializing again. My mind is constantly occupied with other things which has been an unexpected blessing. Our girls are enrolled in WELS schools. As I write this, I can hear Brittany playing "God Be With You Till We Meet Again" on the piano. She's been given such a gift. We were able to send her to Luther Prep 2 years ago as a result of the Infant Death "Benefit" we received from Grace...another mixed blessing. Who knows...maybe one day she'll be a teacher.

We continue to keep our eyes focused on heaven and God's promises. I continue to be amazed at how He carries us through this temporary earthly life.

"Therefore we do not lose heart. Though outwardly we are wasting away, yet inwardly we are being renewed day by day. For our light and momentary troubles are achieving for us an eternal glory that far outweighs them all. So we fix our eyes not on what is seen, but on what is unseen. For what is seen is temporary, but what is unseen is eternal."
                                                                                 2 Corinthians 4:16-18


I wrote the following thoughts 2 years ago as we were driving back to TN after a short visit in WI.

December 20, 2010

We're on our way back home to TN, so as Bob drives, I have 10 hours to think. At the moment, my thoughts are consumed with today's date ~ what occurred one year ago and only 7 months ago. By the end of this trip, I pray that I have a different perspective. Time, prayer, and putting my thoughts down on paper seems to help...not necessarily in that order.
 
One year ago today, we made the exciting announcement to our families that we were pregnant. As I type this, I have a sick feeling in my stomach. I'm also remembering back to 7 months ago today when we were told, “You'll be having this baby today!” The doctor said this with concern, but I was excited thinking, 'At least I won't be going 10 days over like I did with Britt and Maddy.' I thought that it would be nice to go 2 weeks early for a change. Besides, my sister was 2 – 3 weeks early back in February and everything turned out for her...thankfully. Yes, things turned out for us, too. Just not the way we imagined when we planned on having another baby. Selfishly, I guess we wanted to hold another one of our own ~ We did...just not as long as we were expecting to. I say, “selfishly,” because I'm very aware that so many pray to hold just one of their own babies and continue to wait. We've been so blessed to have 3 healthy daughters with us here on earth.
 
A year ago today, we were in WI listening to Brittany's Christmas program. I was secretly filled with joy knowing that we were going to be having a baby in a few more months. Once again, Christmas had a special meaning for us last year. We heard the words “celebration, good news, giving birth, great joy, infant, mother and child, holding her baby, baby's cries,” etc. These were all things that we experienced in the past with our other children, and they were words that I was relating to once again while carrying another one of God's precious gifts.
 
One year ago today, as we drove to my parent's home to celebrate Christmas, we wondered how we were going to share our good news. We received a gingerbread family ornament from my sister, Jackie. It included a dad, mom, and 3 little gingerbread children. Bob handed it back to Jackie and said, “There aren't enough children on this ornament.” After a few seconds of confusion, there were “hoots and hollers”. I can still hear the laughter and joy that followed.
 
Yesterday, we attended two Christmas programs. The words that brought so many feelings of joy last year brought happiness, tears, red, burning, and puffy eyes, thankfulness, jealousy, and guilt for feeling angry. The words “good news” were repeated so many times that it just became overwhelming. I absolutely realize that Jesus' birth is the best gift ever given and greatest news ever proclaimed. Grace is in heaven because God sent His Son to earth to be born of a virgin, to suffer, and to die for our sins. So why this constant battle of crazy thoughts and emotions?
 
Being aware that Grace could have an issue with her heart, we never imagined for a second that we'd  leave the hospital without her. So when we hear, “Oh, so you knew...” I take that as meaning we should be over this because we were prepared. As if those who know that someone's going to die won't grieve as much or as long as those who don't know. Even if we knew for certain, we could never be prepared. The only thing that we tried to be ready for was a possibly longer hospital stay. Preparing for that meant having a freezer full of food and a list of several meals posted on the fridge.
 
As Christian parents, we all want to see our children in heaven. Bob and I know, without a doubt, that we have a child in heaven. For that, we are truly grateful and so thankful that God loves us so much that He didn't want Grace to live in this sinful world. Does knowing this make things any easier? Yes and No. We'll never have to worry about her falling away from God. What's so difficult is living with the reality of what God's will is for us. I'm certain that when any of us hears that we are expecting a child, we never imagine our child or children dying before us ~ no matter what age (inside the womb or after birth).
 
So we continue to trust in God's promises of eternal life in heaven. This doesn't take away the empty feeling that we have inside. Even the word “family” has a different meaning for me now. When I think of “family” in an earthly sense, I feel a hole or an emptiness inside. Last year, we imagined Christmas 2010 with a new Wendt baby added to our family. The happiness comes when we remember that as believers, we are all a part of God's family. When I think of it that way, I don't feel as sad that Grace isn't with us here on earth. The challenge comes when I'm missing her and the life we imagined sharing with her. Some days, it's a constant battle where I need to remind myself that this is all a part of God's plan for us. That's when I think of the Bible passage “No eye has seen, no ear has heard, no mind has conceived what God has prepared for those who love him.”  1 Corinthians 2:9
 
When I'm feeling selfish and ungrateful, I want her here like we planned for her to be. I don't want to have special Christmas ornaments made that say, “Grace's 1st Christmas in heaven”. When we announced our “good news” last Christmas, we never imagined one year later, that we'd be receiving gifts of money in cards that say “...in memory of Baby Grace,” or “A donation has been made in Grace's name to...”  When we announced our “good news”, we imagined having our hands full with a 7 month old enjoying his or her 1st Christmas this year. It's difficult receiving gifts in memory of our child. I expect to see gifts given in memory of my grandparents not in memory of our baby.
 
Thankfully, Jesus didn't say, “I don't want to die on the cross for Wendy. She won't appreciate my sacrifice and she'll forget to trust that I know what's best for her and her family.” God knows what's best. We know that, no matter how much it hurts.
 
As we get ready to celebrate Jesus' birth in a few days, our tears will be tears of joy mixed with sadness. The joy comes when we remember God's grace when He sent Jesus to earth as a baby. Heather reminded me several times as she memorized her parts for her Christmas program, “Mom, baby Jesus didn't die.” The mix of sadness and joy comes from remembering Grace's birthday 7 short months ago when God decided that it was best for her to go home to Him. Because of God's grace, our Grace gets to celebrate Christmas for an eternity in heaven. We continue to look forward to that day, as well.
 
Finally, I want to share with you another one of those “reading the perfect thing at just the right moment,” moments. A little while ago, we arrived home safely from our brief trip to WI. Shortly after walking into our home, I turned my “Inspirations for Daily Life” to December 20. It read, “In everything good, see God's grace.”  Every good and perfect gift is from above, coming down from the Father of the heavenly lights.  James 1:17  Another fitting passage as we are about to celebrate Jesus' birth ~ the greatest gift ever given, wanted, and needed.
 
Merry Christmas!
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Some might think that we've fallen off the face of the earth. I don't remember ever being good at keeping in touch with others. Calling, writing, or sending cards hasn't been my strongest point. We've felt it was necessary to stay hidden behind our hill the last 2 years. It's how we have been able to survive...to somehow keep going when our summer plans drastically changed in May '10. Bob has always had the God-given knack for building things. He amazes us with his talent. I've built plenty of walls inside of myself without a hammer and nails...walls that need to come down. The only way I feel that I can do that is by writing. My mind goes blank when I try to talk...so many thoughts and no way of putting those thoughts into words except on paper.

Grief is such an unpredictable roller coaster ride of emotions. Everyone means well...we know that. We all want to say or do the right thing...some do, some don't. Some aren't able to overcome the awkwardness of being around someone whose baby died. We make others too sad, so it's just easier for them to stay away...easier for them. The subject is avoided and that has been more devastating for me than watching Grace die in my arms. Again...everyone means well. In the past, I've avoided others using the same poor excuses we have often heard, "I didn't want to upset you," "I don't want to make you cry," I didn't know what to say." Pretending it didn't happen doesn't work. Acknowledgement means everything. Seeing silent tears from a friend standing off to the side meant more to me than listening to the thoughtless chatter of someone who felt it was better to say something rather than nothing. That probably doesn't make sense, but many things on this earth don't.

Nothing I say is meant to hurt or blame anyone. I don't talk much about our daughters who we get to share our lives with. They are not my struggle. Life after Grace is, at times. I don't talk much about the loving support we have received either. I need to talk about the things that cloud my head...the things that keep the walls up. This isn't about me or anyone else. It's about how I can glorify God through this.

We no longer try to wrap our minds around God's plans for us. We just trust Him...and it's not easy. Our faith continues to be refined every day. For that, we are thankful.

What I share here will be difficult. I don't open myself up to many. I'm too afraid of what others will say or won't say. Maybe this will give others a better understanding of what goes on inside my head. If you think you've figured me out, please let me know, because I'm still trying to understand me.

As I just said, I want to glorify God through this. I want others to see that side of me. Some do and many don't. I continue to have a difficult time rejoicing on the outside, but I do. I have joy and peace but it is no longer the unquenchable joy and peace we long to find here on earth. My joy is found in the sure hope of heaven...the sure hope of seeing our loved ones again as we continue to miss them. It's difficult surviving someone that we imagined sharing our lives with. Thankfully, Grace shared her entire life with us, and we know without a doubt, that she lives in heaven with her Savior.