In music, a grace note is a note that is held for a brief moment...barely touched on the piano. "Grace Notes" seems like a fitting name for this blog. Our lives changed when I carried our daughter, Grace, for 9 months only to hold her (in my earthly opinion) for a brief moment. She lives in heaven with her Savior. If only that comfort, that sure hope we have, would take away the pain of missing her.

"As you do not know the path of the wind, or how the body is formed in a mother's womb, so you cannot understand the work of God, the Maker of all things." Ecclesiastes 11:5

We are always thankful for Grace.

Tuesday, May 20, 2014

Happy Birthday, Grace

As Christian parents, we hope and pray that our children will remain faithful to the Lord until they are called home to heaven. When we planned for and were expecting our children, we never imagined that one of them would be called home before us. Our hope of eternal life in heaven was fulfilled for Grace the day she was born. Knowing this brings bittersweet joy to our hurting hearts...hearts that will be missing a piece until they're made whole in heaven. As we look forward to that day, we will be still and will continue to trust in His better plan.
 
 
Our hopes and dreams for you, dear Grace
Were fulfilled the day you came.
When you arrived, there were no cries.
Dad baptized you and gave you your name.
 

 
Mom carried you for nine short months.
We held you for a while.
We learned we had to let you go...
A day we could not smile.
 
 
You were set free from all of your chains.
Your sins already forgiven.
We knew you'd know no pain or tears, when
We kissed you and said, "See you in heaven."
 


Your time of grace was known by God.
He knew it would only be hours.
We planned to bring you home with us.
Instead, we brought home flowers.

We imagined sharing our lives with you
And expected years of "fuss",
But God had a much better plan.
You spent your life with us.

You are held close in Jesus' arms.
We know there is no other
Who could keep you safe from harm,
Not even the arms of your mother.

 
Grace Elaine
Born, baptized, and lives in heaven
May 20, 2010



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Some might think that we've fallen off the face of the earth. I don't remember ever being good at keeping in touch with others. Calling, writing, or sending cards hasn't been my strongest point. We've felt it was necessary to stay hidden behind our hill the last 2 years. It's how we have been able to survive...to somehow keep going when our summer plans drastically changed in May '10. Bob has always had the God-given knack for building things. He amazes us with his talent. I've built plenty of walls inside of myself without a hammer and nails...walls that need to come down. The only way I feel that I can do that is by writing. My mind goes blank when I try to talk...so many thoughts and no way of putting those thoughts into words except on paper.

Grief is such an unpredictable roller coaster ride of emotions. Everyone means well...we know that. We all want to say or do the right thing...some do, some don't. Some aren't able to overcome the awkwardness of being around someone whose baby died. We make others too sad, so it's just easier for them to stay away...easier for them. The subject is avoided and that has been more devastating for me than watching Grace die in my arms. Again...everyone means well. In the past, I've avoided others using the same poor excuses we have often heard, "I didn't want to upset you," "I don't want to make you cry," I didn't know what to say." Pretending it didn't happen doesn't work. Acknowledgement means everything. Seeing silent tears from a friend standing off to the side meant more to me than listening to the thoughtless chatter of someone who felt it was better to say something rather than nothing. That probably doesn't make sense, but many things on this earth don't.

Nothing I say is meant to hurt or blame anyone. I don't talk much about our daughters who we get to share our lives with. They are not my struggle. Life after Grace is, at times. I don't talk much about the loving support we have received either. I need to talk about the things that cloud my head...the things that keep the walls up. This isn't about me or anyone else. It's about how I can glorify God through this.

We no longer try to wrap our minds around God's plans for us. We just trust Him...and it's not easy. Our faith continues to be refined every day. For that, we are thankful.

What I share here will be difficult. I don't open myself up to many. I'm too afraid of what others will say or won't say. Maybe this will give others a better understanding of what goes on inside my head. If you think you've figured me out, please let me know, because I'm still trying to understand me.

As I just said, I want to glorify God through this. I want others to see that side of me. Some do and many don't. I continue to have a difficult time rejoicing on the outside, but I do. I have joy and peace but it is no longer the unquenchable joy and peace we long to find here on earth. My joy is found in the sure hope of heaven...the sure hope of seeing our loved ones again as we continue to miss them. It's difficult surviving someone that we imagined sharing our lives with. Thankfully, Grace shared her entire life with us, and we know without a doubt, that she lives in heaven with her Savior.