Today, I feel very alone. I still go through the day to day routine. I feel like I'm just existing at times. It's difficult for me to accept that Bob doesn't cry anymore. At least, I don't see him cry. He said that his tears stopped after the 2nd or 3rd day. I shouldn't assume that he doesn't think about Grace just because I don't see him cry or hear him talk about her. I feel that I keep dwelling on what took place only 2 weeks ago.
I tried listening to the radio again. A Kenny Chesney song came on and when I heard certain words I started crying..."There goes my life...bye bye baby good-bye".
Someone from Vanderbilt called today to confirm that Grace had Trisomy 18. We need to meet with him in August to talk about what all of this means. Someone also called to let us know that Grace will be cremated in July and they'll call when she's ready to be brought home. I told Bob that sometimes it feels like it happened a long time ago. He said that it feels like it never happened at all.
Tonight, we watched “Comanche Moon” and I lost it when Maggie gave birth to Newt. He started crying and looked like a perfectly healthy baby. Our baby never cried. I didn't hear Grace make a single sound.
Bob helped me take off the tape from my incision before we went to bed. Another “scar” gone.
I wrote out some anniversary, get well, and birthday cards. When I realized that I didn't include Grace's name on the cards, I felt guilty...like I forgot her. Should she be included?
When I got the mail today, it included so many nice cards. I read through them as I was sitting on a log in the shade. I read all of these wonderful words that are meant to offer comfort but I just don't feel comfort, peace, strength, and love while I'm crying uncontrollably. I don't ever ask, “Why?” I never will. I just can't believe that this happened to us. The cards are nice and it's good to know that our friends are thinking about and praying for us; however, they're a painful reminder.
The mail also included a letter from our insurance telling us not to forget to add our new baby to Bob's health insurance. Their inaccurate records indicate that we have an addition to our family. 4 days after Grace's death, we received a letter from our insurance telling us that they needed to review the medical necessity of Grace's ultrasound on May 20. The next day, I received a letter from them telling us that they needed to review the medical necessity of my admission to the hospital on May 20. Thankfully, they agreed on both instances that they were necessary. Should I send them a “Thank You” card?
In today's mail, I also received a letter from Vanderbilt's Genetics Department that said our appointment with them will last more than an hour, so please bring any supplies that your child might need, such as toys, diapers, or snacks. The forms they sent along need to be filled out accurately to avoid repeating tests that have already been done. What tests? And speaking of accuracy...maybe they should get their records straight. What a painful lack of communication!
June 6, Sunday
Today was our second Sunday back at church. Last week, we went to the early service. We prefer this service because there are fewer people and fewer distractions. We went to the late service today, because the girls needed to sing for Sunday School. We saw many friends that we didn't see last week. There were more tears when condolences were offered, but for the most part I think that I did well. Bob was supposed to be at Guard Drill today, but I asked him days ago if he could be excused because I didn't want to go to church without him. Just as he did last week, as soon as we sat down to worship, he put his arm around me and kept it there throughout the entire service.
The congregation sang “Children of the Heavenly Father.” I read all of the words but couldn't sing the song. We also had Communion today. I actually turned to the preparation questions in the hymnal before the service. Everything seems to have more meaning for me now...Communion, Scripture lessons, hymns. I barely got through taking Communion. Bob had tears when we sat back down. Our hymn after Communion was a confirmation hymn--#599 “Our Lord and God, Oh, Bless This Day.” It's amazing how many times Bob and I notice that the word “grace” is said during the church services now. This hymn was another hymn that I couldn't sing. Some of the phrases that brought tears were
“None of your children turn away...
From mother's arms your grace, with love did them embrace...
Baptized into your name...
May their baptismal grace become...”The spoken words that are supposed to bring comfort, just make me cry. I think that Bob was wiping tears from his eyes, too. He said that it must be something about Communion. He also said that now he counts how many times the word “grace” is mentioned.
We usually sit in the back row in church. Normally, we say “Hi” to those walking out. Today, just like last Sunday, I just looked at the bulletin. I didn't read it, but I couldn't look at anyone. Some friends that we don't see often were in church today. They usually come only once a month because they live so far away. I avoided them because I'm sure they hadn't heard. One of our ushers who usually talks to me as he gives me a bulletin, did a double take when I walked into church. I didn't make eye contact with him. The last time he saw me, I was very pregnant. Why couldn't I face anyone?