So How's the Garden?

Spring came early in TN this year. The flowers have been in bloom since March. We've been enjoying something new every week.

The girls love picking bouquets and filling our vases with fresh flowers nearly every day. As a child, I remember that as being frowned upon. One of their favorite pasttimes seems to be picking off the spent blossoms...allowing new growth. Gardens certainly have a much deeper meaning than just weeds, picking flowers, displaying them while they're pretty, and throwing them out once they're wilted.

From brokenness comes beauty...

"So...how's the garden?" This was the question most often asked when people didn't know what else to say. How upsetting this was to me, because it made me feel as though Grace never existed. What our family had just experienced never happened. I absolutely understand the reasoning behind the reactions of others. I've done the same thing. I think that we feel a need to at least say something, so we talk about anything…in our case, this was anything but the life changing event that we needed to talk about most.

It’s o.k. to ask about the garden. Those who know me know that I like to play in the dirt. It’s been my “therapy” since I was a little girl. Please understand though how difficult it has been to hear that question. After all, who plants a garden when she’s 9 months pregnant? This isn’t some amazing feat by any means; however, when one has been faced with what happened next, how could such a question be asked? An emergency C-section (unexpected but excited to go in early for a change)…being told “She won’t live”…making unheard of decisions…coming home with a scar that doesn’t “heal” in 6 weeks… “How’s the garden?” was the last thing on our minds. If she lived, I absolutely would be talking about how the girls and I were out harvesting vegetables.

Grace's Garden wasn't the garden in question two years ago when our lives changed. That wasn’t even a thought until several months later. Asking about the garden was a way for well-meaning people to approach me...to at least say something. But why were they feeling a need to approach me? Because Grace died. So what did many talk about then? Anything but Grace. Now when asked, we can show these pictures and answer, "Our gardens continue to change and grow and bloom just like our family's faith."

Grace's "Glimpse of Heaven" Garden

Last year on May 21, 2011, we invited our family and friends to our home to celebrate Grace's 1st birthday in heaven. It was an amazing day...as amazing as it can be when you're celebrating the birthday of your child who didn't get to come home. I'll admit that the days leading up to the party were a bit difficult...really, no different than any other day. I felt as though I was playing this little game of "Pretend". It felt as though I imagined this child in my head and now we're going to have a pretend party where we paint on our fake smiles...because that's what we're expected to do.

The following is the invitation that was sent out:

An Invitation to Participate in

~A Glimpse of Heaven~

This past year has been one of experiences that we didn't expect...

We were expecting to be holding a new child of God in our arms. 

He lovingly decided to instead take her into His arms.

We were expecting cards of congratulations.

Instead we received cards of condolences.

We were expecting “oohs” and “aahs” as we carried

this new precious life along with us to church.

We were instead numbed to life and now know that we were carried along

by the love of our gracious God and the prayers of our church family.

We have been reminded of God's words in Isaiah 55:8-9...

"For my thoughts are not your thoughts, neither are your ways my ways,”

declares the LORD.  “For as the heavens are higher than the earth,

so are my ways higher than your ways and my thoughts than your thoughts.”

As we arrive at the first anniversary of Grace's entrance into heaven,

we would be honored to have you join us in giving thanks to God

for his gracious love and to help us plant a memory garden for Grace...

We have named it our “Glimpse of Heaven” garden.

Please join us at

The Wendt Family Home

~Gracehaven~

Thankfully, it turned out to be a really nice day...hot, but nice. We asked our guests to bring a flower that would be planted in Grace's "Glimpse of Heaven" Garden. I remember walking to the front of our home that day while everyone was in the backyard. I looked at all of the flowers and was completely overwhelmed. Pastor H. gathered everyone around the garden and gave a devotion. After that, we walked to the top of the hill with balloons. I think that we had about 300 blown up to release to heaven. What an amazing sight! As we were getting ready to release them, a strong wind came up and thunder was rumbling in the distance. Bob let several balloons go at once, and they ended up getting stuck in a tree in the backyard.

Each day after that as we looked up to see them, we were reminded how important it is to keep our focus on heaven...to keep looking up. Today, we can still see the colorful streamers that are caught in the branches.

We asked everyone to bring flowers.
They certainly delivered.

Remembering...Her 2nd Birthday

We put these flowers in church this morning. They came from Grace's Garden ~ given and planted by family and friends on her 1st birthday.

Heather picked out a butterfly cake to make for Grace's birthday. Maddy did a really nice job of decorating it. Since Britt doesn't come home for her summer break until this coming weekend, we included her in a picture. Last night during prayers, I asked Heather what she thought Grace did in heaven today. She said that everyone was decorating with balloons and streamers, and Great Grandma Alma was decorating her birthday cake. I didn't realize that Heather knew Grandma decorated cakes while she was here on earth with us.

The balloons will be released this afternoon. At 9 p.m. we, along with some friends, will be lighting off fireworks for Grace at each of our homes. Thank you, Amber!

Grace

A Different Kind of Mother’s Day

We picked these flowers from Grace's garden to put in church on Mother's Day.
I'm finding different flowers opening each week.
This week we'll enjoy lillies ~callas, stargazer, and day lillies.

With Mother’s Day approaching, I’ve been thinking about moms and those who continue to pray for a child…praying to hear the name “Mom”. I think about those whose mothers are living in heaven, and mothers who have a child or children living in heaven.

There are so many different faces of moms. I’m thinking of those who grieve or mourn. There are moms who have lost their husband to death or divorce, a sibling, a parent or both parents, a child, several children, a grandparent, a grandchild, a friend, or any loved one. There are moms who have lost their health and fight to live so they can be here for their family. Some moms grieve a childhood that was filled with abuse and neglect as they try to give their children something better…a nurturing, Christian home filled with love.

I often think of my grandma. She frequently talked about her loved ones that she lost before I was ever born. I’ve missed her so much more since Grace died. (When asked what I wanted to be when I grew up, I always wanted to be just like her.) At that time, however, I didn’t understand just how difficult her life was. Her life was filled with grief, and with God’s help she carried on. She had no choice. She lost her mother at a young age and cared for her siblings and dad…then later on, her husband and children…on the farm. How I wish I would have talked to her more about her loved ones. But, as I often hear now, I just didn’t know. I never had a clue as to what it was like to feel so broken until our lives changed. Thankfully, God spared me until later in life. His timing is perfect.

It seems as though people just weren’t allowed to openly grieve years ago. I still hear today, “We just didn’t talk about it.” That explains everything! I often say that’s why no one was smiling in old photographs. I’ve talked to so many moms who lost children several years ago. Almost all of them said that they were never allowed to talk about it. It’s unbearable to keep all of that inside. The weight of that “grief brick” doesn’t lessen when it’s kept tucked away in one’s pocket.

I started thinking more about the different faces of mothers after receiving an email from a friend. She is a mom who grieves. Her husband died unexpectedly 4 months before Grace died. She is raising her children without him. She must go on to help them through this as she prays for strength for herself. My heart feels so heavy for her as I write this.

Another friend fights to live so she can be here for her husband and 5 children. She is a mom who looks healthy, but a different story was told under the wig and behind the makeup and false eyelashes that she was wearing when I last saw her. She grieves her health…something that I continue to take for granted. Thankfully, she and her family will be blessed to share another Mother’s Day and her birthday this month.

So many moms expected a different kind of Mother’s Day. Until last year, I had no idea what a bittersweet day this is. As I already mentioned, there are so many who pray to celebrate this day, but God has different plans for them. There are those who were pregnant, maybe even on Mother’s Day, only to celebrate this day the following year with a child they didn’t get to hold or held for only a little while. Some have empty, aching arms longing to hold their baby or babies. They are mothers, but no one would know it by looking at them.

Many times, I have grieved the death of our healthy baby. I forget that Grace was conceived with a condition that, if she had lived, would have been filled with a life of struggles. God made her perfect and whole when He carried her home. How heartbreaking, but I also pray rewarding, for those families who have been chosen to care for children who have special needs or other health challenges. In Genesis 3:16 God says, “I will greatly increase your pains in childbearing…” He certainly does. I remember this passage often as I hear of a parent whose child is battling cancer. Or parents who have their day-to-day struggles with their healthy children…me included.

How does grief affect those around us? We know that life goes on. We’re made aware of that as soon as our lives are abruptly brought to a halt. Everything continues to go on around us. We have no choice but to keep going…even if it’s just going through the motions for a while. Some of us have families to care for. How difficult to do for the mom who is missing her husband. I know that I’ve often felt as though I haven’t been given enough time to sort things out. Why? Because, thankfully I have other children at home that need me…whether or not I’m completely “here”, they still need me. Day-to-day life continues on…tantrums, bickering, bills, etc. Some would give anything to have that as they look at an empty crib or bed. I have friends who expected to be caring for their child this Mother’s Day, but their home is quiet…the kind of quiet that is deafening.

What a blessing it is to have mothers in our lives…biological, adoptive, or those who are like a mother to us. Whether we can share Mother’s Day with our mom or remember our time spent with her…Whether we can share this day with our children here on earth or imagine what kind of day they are spending in heaven…Whether you can be a motherly figure to others when God’s answer is different than your prayer of holding one of your own…I pray that we can all see the blessings of this day.

Happy Birthday in heaven, Dad

Tomorrow we'll be putting these flowers in church in memory of my dad's birthday. He was called home to heaven on January 31 of this year. Maddy and Heather helped pick the flowers from Grace's garden. I was excited to see that the 2 purple irises were already opened this morning...from brokenness comes beauty.

Each night during prayers we ask Heather, "...and what did Grace do in heaven today?" If we don't ask this she gets upset. Tonight she said that Grace was at a big party for Grandpa George. (I wonder if he was playing poker with some of his buddies.) Then she said, "You know that you have to ask me what Grace is doing in heaven every night...even when I'm 81!"

Happy 78th Birthday Dad and Grandpa George!

We miss you!



Blessings

Spring came early this year. We've been picking strawberries for a couple of weeks now. It helps to not have to date the jam jars with the month of May. (I might just date everything strawberry related with the month of April. Whatever helps, right?)

I'm going to look back for a moment...At this time 2 years ago, I was planting 50 strawberry plants. I was just beginning my 9th month of pregnancy, pillow on the ground under my knees, many times wondering, "Who does something like this?" But, when you're a farmer's daughter...

That same year, Heather and I went to the strawberry farm down the road and picked berries 3 days before Grace was born. The flood of 2010 left the fields so muddy and slippery. I remember having to walk very carefully so I wouldn't fall. Wanting to get our year's supply in the freezer before the baby arrived, we made jam the next day. I think that I'll always have 5-18-10 engraved in my head each time I look at a jar of strawberry jam. At that time, I was still living in my content little world where everything goes as I planned.

Yesterday, Heather and I walked out to our garden for another picking. Lightheartedly I said, "Heather, I think I'm going to start crying. Look at all of these berries." She said, "Dear God, please stop blessing us!" She makes us smile.

I'll admit that they taste a lot sweeter this year than they did a year ago...all part of the healing process, I guess. It's interesting how processing strawberries and grief relate to one another. Both are bittersweet.

I wrote the following thoughts last July (2011)...

What comes to mind when you hear the word “blessing”?  I think of blessings as things that we're thankful for. I think of something good...something happy...something that brings us joy.  I wouldn't consider something that causes sadness and brokenness to be a blessing. After Grace was born and died a few hours later, we heard from our family and friends, “What a blessing it is that she didn't suffer,” or “It's such a blessing to have a child in heaven.” I've often said the same thing to others who lost a loved one. Of course, it's a blessing to absolutely know that Grace is living in heaven, but it's a blessing that we wouldn't wish for any parent to experience. No one imagines their child dying before they do ~ no matter what age they are...whether they were born perfectly healthy or with struggles. Who carries a child with the intent of him or her dying before birth, shortly after birth, or even years later? No one! I know that I didn't carry Grace for 9 months just to watch her die. Sometimes I sarcastically say, “What a blessing!”

Having a child living in heaven brings us joy and sorrow at the same time. This blessing puts such a weight on my heart, causes my heart to race, and even makes me feel sick to my stomach. I know that God absolutely knows what's best, and when I struggle to try to understand I am reminded that... 

            “No eye has seen, no ear has heard, no mind has conceived what God has prepared

          for those who love him”...  I Corinthians 2:9

Does this feel like a blessing? Not at all. I continue to feel as though I'm being punished and that I didn't deserve to have another child. I often feel as though I'm being looked at as a horrible person who must be a really bad mom. But is this how God works? Of course not! When He sent Jesus to suffer and die for our sins, we were set free...just like Grace was. What a relief to know that she'll never experience a broken heart, stubbed toe, or sore throat. The pains of this life are light and momentary. I am completely humbled and even embarrassed at how ungrateful I must sound, at times. Thankfully, I will never experience anything that comes close to the suffering Jesus endured for me.

            “Therefore we do not lose heart. Though outwardly we are wasting away, yet in-

           wardly we are being renewed day by day. For our light and momentary troubles

           are achieving for us an eternal glory that far outweighs them all. So we fix our

           eyes not on what is seen, but on what is unseen. For what is seen is temporary,

           but what is unseen is eternal.”                              II Corinthians 4:16-18

Last night as I tucked Heather into bed she said, "Mom, do you know that God is not going to stop blessing us?"

"I know," I answered.

From the fullness of His grace we have all received one blessing after another.  John 1:16