In music, a grace note is a note that is held for a brief moment...barely touched on the piano. "Grace Notes" seems like a fitting name for this blog. Our lives changed when I carried our daughter, Grace, for 9 months only to hold her (in my earthly opinion) for a brief moment. She lives in heaven with her Savior. If only that comfort, that sure hope we have, would take away the pain of missing her.

"As you do not know the path of the wind, or how the body is formed in a mother's womb, so you cannot understand the work of God, the Maker of all things." Ecclesiastes 11:5

We are always thankful for Grace.

Thursday, August 9, 2012

Grace's Memorial Service

Yesterday, I was sitting alone in my eye doctor's office waiting for him to come in. I was reflecting on where we were 2 years ago. We often hear that "Time heals everything." or "It'll get better in time." Time might change things...the amount of tears cried...the length of time between those tears. The visions and memories that are never far away might not be as raw, but they continue to stab our hearts without warning. No matter how much time goes by, the pain will always linger, and I think that it will always be difficult to believe that this really happened to our family. We are always thankful for Grace.

August 8, 2010 ~ Sunday, Grace's Memorial Service

Today was the day...the day I had been anxiously anticipating since we decided to have a memorial service for Grace. I felt sick to my stomach and my heart felt like it would pound right out of my chest. Since we've never imagined in our wildest dreams that we'd ever have a memorial service for one of our children, we had no idea what to expect. We had no idea what we were supposed to do or how to do it.

We set things up in the front of church. We displayed a picture of Grace's feet, some pictures of Grace when I was still carrying her and pictures of May 20, the plaster castings of her feet and praying hands, her baptismal certificate, a plaque of her name, and the wooden box that holds her earthly remains. We received many beautiful flower arrangements and displayed those as well. Cousin Jeanne, Heather's Godmother, played pre-service music and Barb, our friend, played during and after the service.
One of Bob's co-working friends...the friend who came to my hospital room the morning after Grace died...knew of a volunteer firefighter who does videotaping. I'm praying that it turns out, because I've already forgotten so much of it. Heather was also sitting on my lap and was a bit of a handful. Our friends, Jenny and Brandon, who also went through this only one year ago, suggested that we have it recorded so we could watch it later on. (We haven't heard from him since and assume that the video didn't turn out.)

Pastor gave a comforting message like we knew he would. We heard the Law, which reminded us of our sins. "Surely I was sinful at birth, sinful from the time my mother conceived me." Psalm 51:5 We also heard the comforting words of the Gospel, which reassured us that because of Jesus' sacrifice on the cross, in our place, Grace is living in heaven today. What a gracious Lord! The Scripture readings and hymns were all fitting. Our Sunday school children sang “I am Jesus' Little Lamb”. We also asked our pastor to include the following Bible passages, which have become some of my favorite words since Grace died: "For you created my inmost being; you knit me together in my mother's womb. I praise you because I am fearfully and wonderfully made; your works are wonderful, I know that full well. My frame was not hidden from you when I was made in the secret place. When I was woven together in the depths of the earth, your eyes saw my unformed body. All the days ordained for me were written in your book before one of them came to be. How precious to me are your thoughts, O God! How vast is the sum of them!"  Psalm 139:13-17

Many of our friends, neighbors, and some family attended. A few of Bob's co-workers from the fire department came, too. When I saw Gary's wife, I couldn't help but remember the night back in March when we saw them at the Foreigner concert. The following day Bob posted on Facebook that "The baby was rockin' to Foreigner". She said that she remembers that night when she thinks about us.

So many of our friends said that the service was perfect. As they left the sanctuary, they received a bookmark with the “Precious Feet” poem—a little memento for everyone.

We were happy to see some of our friends attend Grace's service...friends that haven't been coming to church regularly. Everyone struggles with something. Hopefully, they were able to see that even through their struggles, we must continue to praise God.

After leaving church, Bob and I agreed that this was absolutely the right thing to do. Pastor said that after King David's son died, he went to church and worshipped. David said, "I will go to him, but he will not return to me." 2 Samuel 12:23  I never thought of it that way. It was important for us and others to praise God for Grace's short life...short through my clouded, earthly eyes.

I also included the following words in our 2010 Christmas letter...
On August 8, we shared Grace with our family and friends at a memorial service at our church, Beautiful Savior Lutheran. Once again, we were comforted with the assurance that Grace is living in heaven with her Savior. As difficult as some moments are, we know that we only miss her here on earth and realize that we will see her again in heaven. Every time Heather sees a cross she reminds us, "Jesus died on the cross to make (take) our sins away, so that when babies and people die, they go to heaven." Every time she sees our tears, she says, "You have tears. Do you miss Grace?" For a 3 year old to realize that we are only missing our loved ones who have gone before us is truly amazing!
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Some might think that we've fallen off the face of the earth. I don't remember ever being good at keeping in touch with others. Calling, writing, or sending cards hasn't been my strongest point. We've felt it was necessary to stay hidden behind our hill the last 2 years. It's how we have been able to survive...to somehow keep going when our summer plans drastically changed in May '10. Bob has always had the God-given knack for building things. He amazes us with his talent. I've built plenty of walls inside of myself without a hammer and nails...walls that need to come down. The only way I feel that I can do that is by writing. My mind goes blank when I try to talk...so many thoughts and no way of putting those thoughts into words except on paper.

Grief is such an unpredictable roller coaster ride of emotions. Everyone means well...we know that. We all want to say or do the right thing...some do, some don't. Some aren't able to overcome the awkwardness of being around someone whose baby died. We make others too sad, so it's just easier for them to stay away...easier for them. The subject is avoided and that has been more devastating for me than watching Grace die in my arms. Again...everyone means well. In the past, I've avoided others using the same poor excuses we have often heard, "I didn't want to upset you," "I don't want to make you cry," I didn't know what to say." Pretending it didn't happen doesn't work. Acknowledgement means everything. Seeing silent tears from a friend standing off to the side meant more to me than listening to the thoughtless chatter of someone who felt it was better to say something rather than nothing. That probably doesn't make sense, but many things on this earth don't.

Nothing I say is meant to hurt or blame anyone. I don't talk much about our daughters who we get to share our lives with. They are not my struggle. Life after Grace is, at times. I don't talk much about the loving support we have received either. I need to talk about the things that cloud my head...the things that keep the walls up. This isn't about me or anyone else. It's about how I can glorify God through this.

We no longer try to wrap our minds around God's plans for us. We just trust Him...and it's not easy. Our faith continues to be refined every day. For that, we are thankful.

What I share here will be difficult. I don't open myself up to many. I'm too afraid of what others will say or won't say. Maybe this will give others a better understanding of what goes on inside my head. If you think you've figured me out, please let me know, because I'm still trying to understand me.

As I just said, I want to glorify God through this. I want others to see that side of me. Some do and many don't. I continue to have a difficult time rejoicing on the outside, but I do. I have joy and peace but it is no longer the unquenchable joy and peace we long to find here on earth. My joy is found in the sure hope of heaven...the sure hope of seeing our loved ones again as we continue to miss them. It's difficult surviving someone that we imagined sharing our lives with. Thankfully, Grace shared her entire life with us, and we know without a doubt, that she lives in heaven with her Savior.