In music, a grace note is a note that is held for a brief moment...barely touched on the piano. "Grace Notes" seems like a fitting name for this blog. Our lives changed when I carried our daughter, Grace, for 9 months only to hold her (in my earthly opinion) for a brief moment. She lives in heaven with her Savior. If only that comfort, that sure hope we have, would take away the pain of missing her.

"As you do not know the path of the wind, or how the body is formed in a mother's womb, so you cannot understand the work of God, the Maker of all things." Ecclesiastes 11:5

We are always thankful for Grace.

Sunday, March 25, 2012

Surviving Church


Today was another one of those Sundays that I was desperately fighting to stay seated in the front pew of church and not run out in tears. Since Grace died, many Sundays are this way. Why do we sit in the front pew? Because families with babies sit in the back. I refuse to do that, although that's exactly where I expected to be sitting these last 2 years.

Bob and I like to go to the early church service because there are fewer people and it's usually quiet. I like to say that it's more “worshipful” in early service. (That might be a new word.) Today was the exception and I was caught completely off guard when I walked through the doors. The hallway was filled with so many people and the “noise” overwhelmed me. I wondered what the occasion was. As I walked past “Grace's” picture hanging on the wall...a picture of Jesus holding an infant given by my parents in memory of Grace...I glanced over to see friends and family taking pictures of a baby. I thought, “There's going to be a baptism today.” The joy that this family is celebrating today, is the same bittersweet joy that takes me immediately back to the operating room on Grace's birthday.

Thankfully, this baby became a child of God through baptism today. I believe that we are all sinful from conception. The Bible says in Psalm 51:5 “Surely I was sinful at birth, sinful from the time my mother conceived me.”

Part of me felt angry that this family waited this long to have their son baptized. He was born the end of December. I don't want to judge them. I'm sure they had their reasons for waiting...maybe waiting until all of their family could witness it. I remembered back to our first 3 daughters' births. At that time, I was living in my content little world where everything seemed to be going according to my plans...my world where babies don't die. We had the girls baptized a couple of weeks after their births...when it was convenient for us and for the sponsors. So, who am I to judge?

I was rejoicing with this family this morning. I just couldn't show it through the tears running down my face and by my red, runny nose. I'm sure that I appear angry and jealous to others. No one ever asks why I cry. I don't give anyone the opportunity to ask anymore. I'll explain that later.

I watched as Pastor H. baptized him. The parents, sponsor, and pastor smiled. Thankfully, we were smiling, too, when our 3 older girls were baptized. We also had family and friends witness these special days with us. The girls received cards and gifts, and I'm pretty sure that we celebrated with a meal, too.

Since Grace died, those happy memories have a cloud hanging over them. As I watched this morning's baptism, I couldn't get the visions of Grace's baptism out of my head. As I was lying on my back, looking up at the white ceiling of the operating room, a nurse came over to me and said that Bob had baptized our daughter. He hadn't even named her yet. I hadn't even seen her. I didn't get to witness her baptism. We already knew before our baby was born that he or she would be baptized immediately after birth. Bob and I talked about that weeks before. I felt relief when the nurse told me this, but then I began to wonder, “Did Bob use water?” I didn't want to ask because the NICU team was in the room and everything was so serious and quiet. I didn't want to bother anyone. (Sounds crazy to say that today, but that's how I was feeling.) Bob said later that day, that he didn't want to ask them for water because “things were a little crazy in there”. Of course, they were. I just wasn't able to see it.

I also know that it wouldn't have mattered anyway. Grace came to church with us every Sunday for 9 months. She heard the Word and the Holy Spirit was already at work creating faith in her little heart. I absolutely believe this!

Moments later, they took Grace to the NICU and Bob said, “You know that she won't live.” That's what I see every time I've witnessed a baptism since Grace's. So, if I cry, let me cry. I'm o.k. I just continue to hurt...not all of the time, but more so on Sundays. We used to stay for Sunday School between services. This isn't always the case anymore. It usually depends on how high the emotions are running at the end of service.

This morning, we left immediately. I wasn't going to give anyone the chance to ask me if anything was wrong. To be very blunt, I wasn't going to allow anyone the chance to smile at me as they looked at my bloodshot, puffy eyes and red face and ask if Bob was working today, or ask how the garden is. Unfortunately, this is how most of my friends avoid my pain...smile and change the subject. The walls become a little higher with a little more distance added.

It really helps to write...

Thankfully, I did witness Grace's baptism about 3 hours before she died. We asked our pastor to baptize her while she was in the NICU. I can still see all of the tubes that were going into her and can hear the beeps of the machines that kept her alive. I watched our pastor baptize Grace with water as he said, "Grace Elaine...I baptize you in the name of the Father, and of the Son, and of the Holy Spirit." Then the 3 of us said the Lord's Prayer. We didn't have smiles on our faces, but we did have peace and joy in our hearts knowing that she was about to go home to live with her heavenly Father for eternity. I continue to look forward to experiencing true peace and joy in heaven. It can't be found here on earth.

There was no party. There were no cards or gifts. (I did find her a birth and baptism card a few weeks later.) These are all earthly, temporary things anyway. Grace received something even better on her baptismal day, which also happened to be her birthday. She received the gift of eternal life in heaven.

On our refrigerator hangs a cross that says, “Grace is a gift from God.” In our curio cabinet, each of our daughters has her own shelf of special things. On Grace's shelf, there is a pink cross that has her name on it. The top of the cross says, “God's Child”. That is who Grace is! 
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Some might think that we've fallen off the face of the earth. I don't remember ever being good at keeping in touch with others. Calling, writing, or sending cards hasn't been my strongest point. We've felt it was necessary to stay hidden behind our hill the last 2 years. It's how we have been able to survive...to somehow keep going when our summer plans drastically changed in May '10. Bob has always had the God-given knack for building things. He amazes us with his talent. I've built plenty of walls inside of myself without a hammer and nails...walls that need to come down. The only way I feel that I can do that is by writing. My mind goes blank when I try to talk...so many thoughts and no way of putting those thoughts into words except on paper.

Grief is such an unpredictable roller coaster ride of emotions. Everyone means well...we know that. We all want to say or do the right thing...some do, some don't. Some aren't able to overcome the awkwardness of being around someone whose baby died. We make others too sad, so it's just easier for them to stay away...easier for them. The subject is avoided and that has been more devastating for me than watching Grace die in my arms. Again...everyone means well. In the past, I've avoided others using the same poor excuses we have often heard, "I didn't want to upset you," "I don't want to make you cry," I didn't know what to say." Pretending it didn't happen doesn't work. Acknowledgement means everything. Seeing silent tears from a friend standing off to the side meant more to me than listening to the thoughtless chatter of someone who felt it was better to say something rather than nothing. That probably doesn't make sense, but many things on this earth don't.

Nothing I say is meant to hurt or blame anyone. I don't talk much about our daughters who we get to share our lives with. They are not my struggle. Life after Grace is, at times. I don't talk much about the loving support we have received either. I need to talk about the things that cloud my head...the things that keep the walls up. This isn't about me or anyone else. It's about how I can glorify God through this.

We no longer try to wrap our minds around God's plans for us. We just trust Him...and it's not easy. Our faith continues to be refined every day. For that, we are thankful.

What I share here will be difficult. I don't open myself up to many. I'm too afraid of what others will say or won't say. Maybe this will give others a better understanding of what goes on inside my head. If you think you've figured me out, please let me know, because I'm still trying to understand me.

As I just said, I want to glorify God through this. I want others to see that side of me. Some do and many don't. I continue to have a difficult time rejoicing on the outside, but I do. I have joy and peace but it is no longer the unquenchable joy and peace we long to find here on earth. My joy is found in the sure hope of heaven...the sure hope of seeing our loved ones again as we continue to miss them. It's difficult surviving someone that we imagined sharing our lives with. Thankfully, Grace shared her entire life with us, and we know without a doubt, that she lives in heaven with her Savior.