Birthdays certainly are different for me now that we have a child living in heaven. When we were expecting back in 2010, I was expecting to spend my 40th birthday with our 4th child who would have been 4 months old. It continues to be difficult just hearing the word "birth"day. No one expects a child to be born and then die on the same day...or die any time before birth...or any time after. We just don't expect children to die...no matter what age.On my 43rd birthday last month, Bob wished me a "Happy Birthday". I smiled and said that life is a gift. I believe this, but I don’t get excited about birthdays like I did when I was younger. I think that it has everything to do with things that we experience in life...especially death. Birthdays are supposed to be a happy day filled with surprises, cards, and cake. As I’ve grown older, I try to avoid that special attention. It just makes me feel uncomfortable. Many will ask, "So what are you going to do on your birthday?" "What do you want?" Honestly, I want the day to come and go as quietly as possible. But I can't say that out loud. They just wouldn't "get it". I was so thankful this year that I had our store to keep my mind busy. It has become one of those unexpected blessings that has come from such a dark time.
Life is a gift...
Grace is a gift...God's gift of undeserved love. Gifts aren't supposed to be given and then taken away. I guess this is where I tend to struggle a bunch. We had our gift of Grace for such a short time ~ short in our earthly eyes. Children are a gift from God, but they are still God's ~ entrusted to us for a little while. There was excitement on her birthday up until her birth when Bob said, "You know that she won't live". There were no pink cards of congratulations...only sympathy cards...no phone calls. She did, however, receive the greatest gift through the waters of baptism...eternal life. From death comes life ~ and that makes us smile.
Since that time, I associate so many things with Grace, and birthdays are one of those things. I was anticipating the unsolicited birthday wishes once again this year. I was expecting family to stop into the store to visit that day or send a message on FB...family that couldn't/wouldn't even make it to TN when we needed them. It continues to be difficult to smile when so much hurt, frustration, and disappointment is held inside.
I remember back to May and how I wanted to observe Grace’s 3rd birthday in heaven. Very few of our customers know that we lost a daughter. It’s just easier that way. We bought 3 balloons for her, and I put them on the counter in our store. I needed to somehow acknowledge her birthday, and this was a subtle way to do it. Most didn’t even notice them. Some said, "Someone has a birthday today?" I’d smile and simply answer, "Yes, one of our daughters," praying that they wouldn’t ask any more questions. Some innocently did, and that’s when things get awkward. (That’s why it’s just easier to share this side of us with a chosen few.) When they’d ask whose birthday it was and I said something like, "Our youngest daughter has been living in heaven for 3 years," I’d catch them so off guard and just get annoyed by their replies. I heard, "Great, that’s just great!" Then as he left, he turned and said, "We’re still waiting to hear from Dan. His wife is expecting #10 any day now." Or there was the awkward "O.K. then" when they found out who the balloons were for. It made me feel like I was a bit crazy for "dwelling" on the past. It continues to be awkward to say the least.
I'm not sure what I expect or want from people. If they haven't walked this road, they truly have no idea how different life is after losing a child. I know that she had the best birthday ever. Maybe it's just so different for me because birthdays and celebrating don't seem to go together anymore...not after what I witnessed that day. Attending birthday parties now is just something I do because that's what I'm expected to do. Thankfully, life goes on...but in such a different way.
On my birthday this year, I went to a grief support group meeting. I was rather quiet all day and thought that it would be nice to be around others who understood me…others that had lost children. I could tell them without fear of judgment that another birthday just feels like another year that I survived our baby. Even though we have 3 beautiful, healthy daughters that bring us joy, I continue to struggle with being a mom and a wife ~ alive although it feels like a part of me died with Grace.
I remember back to May and how I wanted to observe Grace’s 3rd birthday in heaven. Very few of our customers know that we lost a daughter. It’s just easier that way. We bought 3 balloons for her, and I put them on the counter in our store. I needed to somehow acknowledge her birthday, and this was a subtle way to do it. Most didn’t even notice them. Some said, "Someone has a birthday today?" I’d smile and simply answer, "Yes, one of our daughters," praying that they wouldn’t ask any more questions. Some innocently did, and that’s when things get awkward. (That’s why it’s just easier to share this side of us with a chosen few.) When they’d ask whose birthday it was and I said something like, "Our youngest daughter has been living in heaven for 3 years," I’d catch them so off guard and just get annoyed by their replies. I heard, "Great, that’s just great!" Then as he left, he turned and said, "We’re still waiting to hear from Dan. His wife is expecting #10 any day now." Or there was the awkward "O.K. then" when they found out who the balloons were for. It made me feel like I was a bit crazy for "dwelling" on the past. It continues to be awkward to say the least.
I'm not sure what I expect or want from people. If they haven't walked this road, they truly have no idea how different life is after losing a child. I know that she had the best birthday ever. Maybe it's just so different for me because birthdays and celebrating don't seem to go together anymore...not after what I witnessed that day. Attending birthday parties now is just something I do because that's what I'm expected to do. Thankfully, life goes on...but in such a different way.
On my birthday this year, I went to a grief support group meeting. I was rather quiet all day and thought that it would be nice to be around others who understood me…others that had lost children. I could tell them without fear of judgment that another birthday just feels like another year that I survived our baby. Even though we have 3 beautiful, healthy daughters that bring us joy, I continue to struggle with being a mom and a wife ~ alive although it feels like a part of me died with Grace.
