Grace Notes: Ugly Shoes

In music, a grace note is a note that is held for a brief moment...barely touched on the piano. "Grace Notes" seems like a fitting name for this blog. Our lives changed when I carried our daughter, Grace, for 9 months only to hold her (in my earthly opinion) for a brief moment. She lives in heaven with her Savior. If only that comfort, that sure hope we have, would take away the pain of missing her.

"As you do not know the path of the wind, or how the body is formed in a mother's womb, so you cannot understand the work of God, the Maker of all things." Ecclesiastes 11:5

We are always thankful for Grace.

Tuesday, October 15, 2013

Ugly Shoes

We often hear that life is a journey. The road we walk on is different for everyone...filled with the unknown...laid out for us before we even existed. I believe that God has lovingly chosen each of us to wear a different pair of shoes for our journey. Some shoes are comfortable. Others can feel pretty tight. Many shoes are ugly and can cause calluses to build up on our "soul". God doesn't give us our "shoes" and then just walk away. He is Someone who has already been down this road and walks beside us each step of the way. I believe that our ugly shoes ~ perfectly fitted for us by our loving Father ~ are meant to draw us closer to Him by refining our faith, leading us to heaven.

Everyone walks with a different pair of shoes...

Ugly Shoes

I am wearing a pair of shoes.

They are ugly shoes. Uncomfortable shoes.

Each day I wear them,

and each day I wish I had another pair.

Some days my shoes hurt so bad that

I do not think I can take another step.

Yet, I continue to wear them.

I get funny looks wearing these shoes.

I can tell in others eyes that they are glad

they are my shoes and not theirs.

They never talk about my shoes...

To learn how awful my shoes are
might make them uncomfortable.

To truly understand these shoes
you must walk in them.

But, once you put them on,
you can never take them off.

I now realize that I am not the only one
who wears these shoes.

There are many pairs in this world.

Some women ache daily
as they try and walk in them.

Some have learned how to walk in them
so they don't hurt quite as much.

Some have worn the shoes so long that

days will go by before they think about
how much they hurt.

...because of these shoes I am a stronger woman.

These shoes have given me
the strength to face anything.

They have made me who I am.

I am a woman who has lost a child.
I will forever walk in these shoes.
Author unknown

These precious little feet get to walk with God without any shoes.
I imagine Grace running around barefoot in heaven
just like her sisters do here on earth.

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Some might think that we've fallen off the face of the earth. I don't remember ever being good at keeping in touch with others. Calling, writing, or sending cards hasn't been my strongest point. We've felt it was necessary to stay hidden behind our hill the last 2 years. It's how we have been able to survive...to somehow keep going when our summer plans drastically changed in May '10. Bob has always had the God-given knack for building things. He amazes us with his talent. I've built plenty of walls inside of myself without a hammer and nails...walls that need to come down. The only way I feel that I can do that is by writing. My mind goes blank when I try to talk...so many thoughts and no way of putting those thoughts into words except on paper.

Grief is such an unpredictable roller coaster ride of emotions. Everyone means well...we know that. We all want to say or do the right thing...some do, some don't. Some aren't able to overcome the awkwardness of being around someone whose baby died. We make others too sad, so it's just easier for them to stay away...easier for them. The subject is avoided and that has been more devastating for me than watching Grace die in my arms. Again...everyone means well. In the past, I've avoided others using the same poor excuses we have often heard, "I didn't want to upset you," "I don't want to make you cry," I didn't know what to say." Pretending it didn't happen doesn't work. Acknowledgement means everything. Seeing silent tears from a friend standing off to the side meant more to me than listening to the thoughtless chatter of someone who felt it was better to say something rather than nothing. That probably doesn't make sense, but many things on this earth don't.

Nothing I say is meant to hurt or blame anyone. I don't talk much about our daughters who we get to share our lives with. They are not my struggle. Life after Grace is, at times. I don't talk much about the loving support we have received either. I need to talk about the things that cloud my head...the things that keep the walls up. This isn't about me or anyone else. It's about how I can glorify God through this.

We no longer try to wrap our minds around God's plans for us. We just trust Him...and it's not easy. Our faith continues to be refined every day. For that, we are thankful.

What I share here will be difficult. I don't open myself up to many. I'm too afraid of what others will say or won't say. Maybe this will give others a better understanding of what goes on inside my head. If you think you've figured me out, please let me know, because I'm still trying to understand me.

As I just said, I want to glorify God through this. I want others to see that side of me. Some do and many don't. I continue to have a difficult time rejoicing on the outside, but I do. I have joy and peace but it is no longer the unquenchable joy and peace we long to find here on earth. My joy is found in the sure hope of heaven...the sure hope of seeing our loved ones again as we continue to miss them. It's difficult surviving someone that we imagined sharing our lives with. Thankfully, Grace shared her entire life with us, and we know without a doubt, that she lives in heaven with her Savior.