In music, a grace note is a note that is held for a brief moment...barely touched on the piano. "Grace Notes" seems like a fitting name for this blog. Our lives changed when I carried our daughter, Grace, for 9 months only to hold her (in my earthly opinion) for a brief moment. She lives in heaven with her Savior. If only that comfort, that sure hope we have, would take away the pain of missing her.

"As you do not know the path of the wind, or how the body is formed in a mother's womb, so you cannot understand the work of God, the Maker of all things." Ecclesiastes 11:5

We are always thankful for Grace.

Saturday, October 19, 2013

Birthdays

Birthdays certainly are different for me now that we have a child living in heaven. When we were expecting back in 2010, I was expecting to spend my 40th birthday with our 4th child who would have been 4 months old. It continues to be difficult just hearing the word "birth"day. No one expects a child to be born and then die on the same day...or die any time before birth...or any time after. We just don't expect children to die...no matter what age.

On my 43rd birthday last month, Bob wished me a "Happy Birthday". I smiled and said that life is a gift. I believe this, but I don’t get excited about birthdays like I did when I was younger. I think that it has everything to do with things that we experience in life...especially death. Birthdays are supposed to be a happy day filled with surprises, cards, and cake. As I’ve grown older, I try to avoid that special attention. It just makes me feel uncomfortable. Many will ask, "So what are you going to do on your birthday?" "What do you want?" Honestly, I want the day to come and go as quietly as possible. But I can't say that out loud. They just wouldn't "get it". I was so thankful this year that I had our store to keep my mind busy. It has become one of those unexpected blessings that has come from such a dark time.

Life is a gift... 

Grace is a gift...God's gift of undeserved love. Gifts aren't supposed to be given and then taken away. I guess this is where I tend to struggle a bunch. We had our gift of Grace for such a short time ~ short in our earthly eyes. Children are a gift from God, but they are still God's ~ entrusted to us for a little while. There was excitement on her birthday up until her birth when Bob said, "You know that she won't live". There were no pink cards of congratulations...only sympathy cards...no phone calls. She did, however, receive the greatest gift through the waters of baptism...eternal life. From death comes life ~ and that makes us smile.
Since that time, I associate so many things with Grace, and birthdays are one of those things. I was anticipating the unsolicited birthday wishes once again this year. I was expecting family to stop into the store to visit that day or send a message on FB...family that couldn't/wouldn't even make it to TN when we needed them. It continues to be difficult to smile when so much hurt, frustration, and disappointment is held inside.

I remember back to May and how I wanted to observe Grace’s 3rd birthday in heaven. Very few of our customers know that we lost a daughter. It’s just easier that way. We bought 3 balloons for her, and I put them on the counter in our store. I needed to somehow acknowledge her birthday, and this was a subtle way to do it. Most didn’t even notice them. Some said, "Someone has a birthday today?" I’d smile and simply answer, "Yes, one of our daughters," praying that they wouldn’t ask any more questions. Some innocently did, and that’s when things get awkward. (That’s why it’s just easier to share this side of us with a chosen few.) When they’d ask whose birthday it was and I said something like, "Our youngest daughter has been living in heaven for 3 years," I’d catch them so off guard and just get annoyed by their replies. I heard, "Great, that’s just great!" Then as he left, he turned and said, "We’re still waiting to hear from Dan. His wife is expecting #10 any day now." Or there was the awkward "O.K. then" when they found out who the balloons were for. It made me feel like I was a bit crazy for "dwelling" on the past. It continues to be awkward to say the least.

I'm not sure what I expect or want from people. If they haven't walked this road, they truly have no idea how different life is after losing a child. I know that she had the best birthday ever. Maybe it's just so different for me because birthdays and celebrating don't seem to go together anymore...not after what I witnessed that day. Attending birthday parties now is just something I do because that's what I'm expected to do. Thankfully, life goes on...but in such a different way.

On my birthday this year, I went to a grief support group meeting. I was rather quiet all day and thought that it would be nice to be around others who understood me…others that had lost children. I could tell them without fear of judgment that another birthday just feels like another year that I survived our baby. Even though we have 3 beautiful, healthy daughters that bring us joy, I continue to struggle with being a mom and a wife ~ alive although it feels like a part of me died with Grace.
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2 comments:

  1. KatieOctober 21, 2013 at 9:27 PM

    This year I celebrated Perry's Birthday with primarily myself and Emily. I think Chris joined us at the last moment. My Mom was tired from the sleepsack project the day before and stayed home. There is this need to celebrate, our children are blessings aren't they? Even if we don't get to keep them? I think it is hard to feel like we lose this also. I don't want to let go of my son this way- by forgetting his day, by hiding him as if I am ashamed. It feels so strange to have this tiny celebration now when I should have family and friends and a cake smeared preschooler. I am forever thankful that you, Bob, and Heather were there for us that first year. It was so sad and so necessary to do something at the same time. Have you thought about putting out a facebook request for her birthday- to have people send you her name? I think it was easier for people to have something to do, no words required other than his name. Emily and I would love to participate if you wanted to do this. Emily still remembers your family, your duck, your dog, and the cats. Much love Wendy.

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    1. WendyOctober 24, 2013 at 6:47 AM

      I really like your "name" idea. It was wonderful seeing Perry's name posted so many different ways. I think about Perry's 1st birthday often. Heather and I just talked about it again a few days ago. Such a difficult time...not knowing what to do, but knowing that some kind of acknowledgement is so necessary. We felt honored to be with you in that moment...still wishing that it didn't have to be like that though. God continues to be faithful, and without a doubt we know that we'll be reunited once again. Take care...all of you.

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Some might think that we've fallen off the face of the earth. I don't remember ever being good at keeping in touch with others. Calling, writing, or sending cards hasn't been my strongest point. We've felt it was necessary to stay hidden behind our hill the last 2 years. It's how we have been able to survive...to somehow keep going when our summer plans drastically changed in May '10. Bob has always had the God-given knack for building things. He amazes us with his talent. I've built plenty of walls inside of myself without a hammer and nails...walls that need to come down. The only way I feel that I can do that is by writing. My mind goes blank when I try to talk...so many thoughts and no way of putting those thoughts into words except on paper.

Grief is such an unpredictable roller coaster ride of emotions. Everyone means well...we know that. We all want to say or do the right thing...some do, some don't. Some aren't able to overcome the awkwardness of being around someone whose baby died. We make others too sad, so it's just easier for them to stay away...easier for them. The subject is avoided and that has been more devastating for me than watching Grace die in my arms. Again...everyone means well. In the past, I've avoided others using the same poor excuses we have often heard, "I didn't want to upset you," "I don't want to make you cry," I didn't know what to say." Pretending it didn't happen doesn't work. Acknowledgement means everything. Seeing silent tears from a friend standing off to the side meant more to me than listening to the thoughtless chatter of someone who felt it was better to say something rather than nothing. That probably doesn't make sense, but many things on this earth don't.

Nothing I say is meant to hurt or blame anyone. I don't talk much about our daughters who we get to share our lives with. They are not my struggle. Life after Grace is, at times. I don't talk much about the loving support we have received either. I need to talk about the things that cloud my head...the things that keep the walls up. This isn't about me or anyone else. It's about how I can glorify God through this.

We no longer try to wrap our minds around God's plans for us. We just trust Him...and it's not easy. Our faith continues to be refined every day. For that, we are thankful.

What I share here will be difficult. I don't open myself up to many. I'm too afraid of what others will say or won't say. Maybe this will give others a better understanding of what goes on inside my head. If you think you've figured me out, please let me know, because I'm still trying to understand me.

As I just said, I want to glorify God through this. I want others to see that side of me. Some do and many don't. I continue to have a difficult time rejoicing on the outside, but I do. I have joy and peace but it is no longer the unquenchable joy and peace we long to find here on earth. My joy is found in the sure hope of heaven...the sure hope of seeing our loved ones again as we continue to miss them. It's difficult surviving someone that we imagined sharing our lives with. Thankfully, Grace shared her entire life with us, and we know without a doubt, that she lives in heaven with her Savior.