No One Misses Her

In September, I went to a grief support group meeting on my birthday. It was a small group of women…all of them lost a son or daughter…ages 24 years and older. We all told our stories briefly. No matter how long we had our children ~ weeks in the womb or hours or years in this world ~ we have memories and a lifetime we expected to share with our child/ren.

I felt pretty comfortable with this group, but I’ll admit that it was difficult for me to share my story. I’m sitting in a group with others who had their children for years. Does that make anyone’s grief more or less? Not at all! When others ask how old Grace was, I hesitate to answer because I’m afraid of what they’ll say after that. I feel, and have been made to feel, that since we only had her for 9 months in the womb and 11 hours in the hospital, we shouldn’t grieve as long or as much as someone who got to take their child home…as brief as that time might be for some.

I’m pretty sure that I’ve developed this mindset from the well-meaning (yet, I can’t believe you said that) comments we’ve heard since Grace died. People want to say something that will bring comfort. Their words might sound comforting to them but can pierce the heart of a grieving parent. Those comforters...miserable comforters at times...just don't miss her.

Back to the meeting...At that first meeting, we brought pictures and/or photo albums of the child who died. Many of their children have surviving children...their grandchildren. I’m so thankful that many of these moms have grandchildren to carry on their child’s memories. I’m also thankful that we have a few pictures of Grace. There are so many whose babies died and there are no pictures…they don’t even know if they have sons or daughters. I’m thankful for what we have. At times, it feels as though we have so little of Grace, but when I read/hear the stories of others, I feel very fortunate. What we carry of our child in our hearts can never be taken away…no amount of time can take any of this away.

Two weeks later, I attended the meeting again. This is when I began to realize something new...no one misses her. There were a few more people there that weren’t at the first meeting. A new couple came who had lost their 14 month old daughter in August. The paternal grandparents also attended to offer their support and share their story.

This is where I think most of my struggle lies. We didn’t know how to act, react, who to call, what to say, or what to do when Grace was born…we just didn’t know. We were in complete shock! We went to the hospital to have a baby but left without her. I can’t change the decisions we made that day, but those decisions have certainly had a huge impact on us and on our relationship with our families and friends. I should be more gracious and forgiving when I hear those same words from others who say, "We just didn’t know what to say or do". I need to come to a point where I can tell them how I struggle with what they said and how they reacted. I feel that it’s our responsibility to enlighten those who just don’t "get us" anymore.

At the last meeting, it was difficult for me to see this dad crying and to see his parents cry. We didn’t allow anyone "in" when Grace died. I think that this had so much to do with our upbringing and even the reactions (or lack of reaction) from family when we made our announcements that we were expecting…it began already with our 1st child. No one ever seemed excited for us. We even heard, "It's not like this is our first grandchild!" So, we often kept our exciting news to ourselves for as long as we could.

After we left the hospital without Grace, I didn’t see many tears from Bob. As time goes on, I understand this more, but it’s always been difficult to realize how different our grief is…how differently we show it on the outside. I remember as we drove home from the hospital, Bob said, "It doesn’t feel like this ever happened." He said that he always bonded more with our girls after they came home from the hospital. Grace was never in our home after she was born, so there was a different association I guess. Bob removed as many of the physical reminders in our home the day after Grace was born and died…before he brought me home. He took out the 2,000 diapers and wipes, the high chair, etc. I took down her bed a few days after I came home from the hospital. The physical is gone, but the emotional and psychological don’t go away…not with time like so many think.

At the meeting, the grandfather cried as he said, "I just miss her…" That’s when I realized that no one really misses Grace. Bob and I were the only ones who got to hold her. Our pastor was the only other person that we knew who got to see her. Our friends and family never saw us with her except for when I was pregnant. I guess that’s why this has felt like such a lonely journey. Out of 4 parents and 9 siblings, 3 came to her service…kind of makes us feel as though she never existed...like she wasn't important to anyone...like she wasn’t real. So obvious to us that life continues on...more apparent when ours seemed to stop.

I’m pretty sure that everyone misses us. Some of the "old" Bob and Wendy are back, but I guess that just depends upon who we’re with at the time. I feel that there are different sides to us now. We became different people that day. Life has certainly changed. Thankfully, God’s plan for us is better than what we could ever plan or imagine.

Heather continues to remember Grace out loud…no awkwardness…no fear of making us sad or reminding us that we have a daughter living in heaven. One day after school, she had tears in her eyes as she told me, "I cried in school today because I missed Grace. We talked about people we know that are in heaven."

When Grace died, our lives were fast-forwarded 3 years. We were expecting to be changing diapers, be up for middle-of-the-night feedings, rocking another baby, etc. When we came home from the hospital without her, we had to somehow go back to being parents to our then 14, 11, and 3 year old daughters.

Thankfully, we only miss her.

No one misses her when we hear, "You're practically empty nesters now that the girls are in school," or "Your house must be so quiet...that must be nice." I often hear how so many can't wait till their children are gone.

No one misses her...Ocassionally in church, Bob and I are the only 2 in the pew. Britt and Maddy are away at school, and sometimes Heather spends the weekend with her cousins. It's nice to be able to worship with no distractions when it's only the 2 of us, but it's extremely difficult for me to be sitting there with only Bob. One day after the church service, I heard our pastor innocently tell Bob how lonely he looked sitting there with no children. If only he knew just how lonely I feel when we are alone in church. What an obvious reminder to me, yet no one else realizes how difficult it continues to be. Little does anyone realize that our home isn't supposed to be quiet. We're not supposed to be sitting alone in church, yet. We expected to have a 3 year old with us in tow everywhere we go. We expected to be sitting in the back of church with our little one for the last 3 1/2 years...not in the front of church because I can't handle the distraction of little ones.

When I continue to hear these things, or listen to others complain about their children and grandchildren, I just smile, say nothing, and pray that I can just walk away from them without hating them.

No one missed her only a couple of months after she died. We waited to have a funeral/memorial service for Grace. We were finally "ready" 2 months later. Most of our immediate family didn't attend. One week after her memorial service, we traveled to WI to enroll our 2 older daughters in school and visited our families. This would be the first time I saw the "in-law side" since I was pregnant with Grace. When I was pregnant with her, some of them said "Let us know when the baby arrives so we can come down to TN to visit." After she died, I remember walking in the door...not being able to breathe when I saw them. It's always been difficult seeing others for the first time...Instead of hearing anything about Grace, I was asked, "How's your garden?" Then we heard, "We get to meet another baby soon!" Bob's sister just had a baby the day before...no one missed our Grace.

No one misses her...when I see a highschool classmate that I haven't seen in several years, and they tell me how my youngest daughter looks just like me. They don't realize that she's not our youngest, but I smile anyway and just say, "Thank you." I save the meltdown for when I'm alone.

No one misses her...when others comment on the gap in age between our daughters. Britt is 17, Maddy is 15, and Heather is 6. I've often heard when they refer to Heather, "We know what happened there." or "That was obviously a mistake/accident." No one realizes just by looking at us that there could have been children in between them or after Heather. We tend to assume we know how things are based on what we see with our eyes. Our plans and God's plans coincided when we wanted a family...even with the age gap. We just didn't plan for Grace to die before we did.

No one misses her...when we're at family get togethers. As soon as I walk in the door, it feels like someone's missing in our family. They don't realize how difficult it is to smile for the pictures...another picture that shows "life after Grace"... how everyone else is growing and getting older. Thankfully, life goes on...it just moves at such a different pace now.

With the upcoming holidays, we often reminisce about our loved ones who have already died. We have so many fond memories of them, but Grace will never be mentioned. Maybe we're all just afraid to miss her out loud.