So...was this a surprise?

I wrote this about 5 months after Grace was born and died...around October 2010.

“So...was this a surprise?”  “This was an accident then.”
“This was obviously a mistake!”

These were common things we heard when making the exciting announcement that we were expecting another child, especially when we were expecting Heather and Grace. Why do people say such things? Was it because of my age? Was it because there are 9 years between Madelyn and Heather? We could have lost babies during that stretch. In March of 2010 at Brittany's confirmation, an adult asked Britt if this baby was an accident. (I was 7 months pregnant with Grace at that time.) Brittany, being only 14 years old, had no idea what this person meant. She came to me so upset and wondered why someone would ask such a question. “Mom, how could a baby be an accident?”

My first OB appointment with Grace began with these questions, “Let me get this straight...you're 39 and you're pregnant? Do you plan on keeping this baby?” We did, but God had other plans.

From the moment Bob and I knew that we wanted a baby in the summer of '09, we began to imagine life with another little Wendt. We began to imagine what we might be doing a year from now, next Thanksgiving, next Christmas, etc. From the moment we found out that we were expecting...even before that...from the moment we began to pray for a child, we made plans to spend the rest of our lives with a child that we expected to be carrying. (Notice how "we wanted a baby...we made plans...we expected..." I can't speak for Bob, but I know that I wasn't considering what God's plans were for us. After our 2nd ultrasound, I was beginning to realize that His plans might be different. It was easy for me to put my trust in Him then...telling Him to "Bring it on!" Little did I know what was about to happen to our content family.)

For some, finding out that they're expecting might be a surprise...but not to God. With God, there are no accidents or mistakes. He may be testing someone with a pregnancy...getting them to rely on Him...possibly to bring them to repentance. In our case, I feel that He's drawing us closer to Him by taking Grace to heaven...getting us to depend on Him for strength and comfort, and reminding us that we live in a sinful world where the crosses that we are chosen to carry are a consequence of sin. (This is where I have to remind myself that we're not being punished no matter how much it feels like we are.)

How many of us ask others, “So when are you going to give 'Susie' a brother or sister? Why do you only have one child? Why don't you have any children? Why did you wait so many years to have another child? When are you going to give me a grandchild?”

Just by looking at someone we don't know what silent grief they're carrying. Someone may have just suffered a miscarriage and never had the chance to share the exciting news of a pregnancy. Some may have been praying for a child for years, but God's answer might be something different. Just because a family has several children doesn't mean that they haven't lost a child. The day we left the hospital and had to walk around Wal-mart waiting for a prescription to be filled, no one knew what had just happened to us. I was just praying that no one would ask me, “So when are you due?” Obviously, I still looked pregnant.

We don't know if the mom walking around the grocery store with her children, who appears to be healthy and looks “put together”, is wearing a wig because she's battling cancer again. I have a friend whose son came up to me 3 months after Grace died and tried to pull the hair off my head. His mom wears a wig, because she's battling cancer again. He thinks that all moms wear wigs. Heather thinks that all babies die and is confused, at times, when she sees a baby in a car seat. She continues to say, “Mom, look...there's a baby. It didn't die.”

Since Grace died, my eyes have really been opened to so many things that I never really thought about or truly understood. When I heard about someone suffering a miscarriage, a stillbirth, or death of a loved one, I felt sad for them. I cried for them when I was alone (never in front of them), maybe sent them a card, prayed for them, thought about them occasionally and that's about it. I felt sad for them. SAD? It's so much more than just “sad”. Until I experienced it, I had no clue.

After telling others that Grace died, I can't tell you how many times we heard, “Oh,” or “Oh, that's sad.” (Then quickly, they would change the subject, because that's what we do.) We had someone say that they knew exactly how we felt, “Our neighbor's dog died, and that was sad.” Or the family member that sent a well-meaning card that said, “Because we're family, we know exactly how you feel...” Nice try!

So...Was this a surprise? Our only surprise was leaving the hospital without our baby. Although we were aware that there could be a heart issue, never in a million years did we imagine that Grace would die, but God knew. We are so thankful that we have a child in heaven. As parents, that's what we pray for. We continue to pray that Brittany, Madelyn, and Heather remain faithful to God so they can meet their sister in heaven one day.

Another surprise is all that we continue to learn about our loving God and what we're learning about ourselves.

I know that this experience has already made our daughters more compassionate, aware, loving, and sympathetic toward others. I pray that they continue to be, so that they don't ask questions that are probably meant with the best of intentions, yet so painful. I look forward to seeing what will continue to come from this.

This is a little bit of a rambling vent, but it's also meant to remind us all to be aware of what we say to others. Just by looking at someone, we have no idea what path the Lord has chosen for them to walk.