Remembering...Her 2nd Birthday

We put these flowers in church this morning. They came from Grace's Garden ~ given and planted by family and friends on her 1st birthday.

Heather picked out a butterfly cake to make for Grace's birthday. Maddy did a really nice job of decorating it. Since Britt doesn't come home for her summer break until this coming weekend, we included her in a picture. Last night during prayers, I asked Heather what she thought Grace did in heaven today. She said that everyone was decorating with balloons and streamers, and Great Grandma Alma was decorating her birthday cake. I didn't realize that Heather knew Grandma decorated cakes while she was here on earth with us.

The balloons will be released this afternoon. At 9 p.m. we, along with some friends, will be lighting off fireworks for Grace at each of our homes. Thank you, Amber!

Grace

A Different Kind of Mother’s Day

We picked these flowers from Grace's garden to put in church on Mother's Day.
I'm finding different flowers opening each week.
This week we'll enjoy lillies ~callas, stargazer, and day lillies.

With Mother’s Day approaching, I’ve been thinking about moms and those who continue to pray for a child…praying to hear the name “Mom”. I think about those whose mothers are living in heaven, and mothers who have a child or children living in heaven.

There are so many different faces of moms. I’m thinking of those who grieve or mourn. There are moms who have lost their husband to death or divorce, a sibling, a parent or both parents, a child, several children, a grandparent, a grandchild, a friend, or any loved one. There are moms who have lost their health and fight to live so they can be here for their family. Some moms grieve a childhood that was filled with abuse and neglect as they try to give their children something better…a nurturing, Christian home filled with love.

I often think of my grandma. She frequently talked about her loved ones that she lost before I was ever born. I’ve missed her so much more since Grace died. (When asked what I wanted to be when I grew up, I always wanted to be just like her.) At that time, however, I didn’t understand just how difficult her life was. Her life was filled with grief, and with God’s help she carried on. She had no choice. She lost her mother at a young age and cared for her siblings and dad…then later on, her husband and children…on the farm. How I wish I would have talked to her more about her loved ones. But, as I often hear now, I just didn’t know. I never had a clue as to what it was like to feel so broken until our lives changed. Thankfully, God spared me until later in life. His timing is perfect.

It seems as though people just weren’t allowed to openly grieve years ago. I still hear today, “We just didn’t talk about it.” That explains everything! I often say that’s why no one was smiling in old photographs. I’ve talked to so many moms who lost children several years ago. Almost all of them said that they were never allowed to talk about it. It’s unbearable to keep all of that inside. The weight of that “grief brick” doesn’t lessen when it’s kept tucked away in one’s pocket.

I started thinking more about the different faces of mothers after receiving an email from a friend. She is a mom who grieves. Her husband died unexpectedly 4 months before Grace died. She is raising her children without him. She must go on to help them through this as she prays for strength for herself. My heart feels so heavy for her as I write this.

Another friend fights to live so she can be here for her husband and 5 children. She is a mom who looks healthy, but a different story was told under the wig and behind the makeup and false eyelashes that she was wearing when I last saw her. She grieves her health…something that I continue to take for granted. Thankfully, she and her family will be blessed to share another Mother’s Day and her birthday this month.

So many moms expected a different kind of Mother’s Day. Until last year, I had no idea what a bittersweet day this is. As I already mentioned, there are so many who pray to celebrate this day, but God has different plans for them. There are those who were pregnant, maybe even on Mother’s Day, only to celebrate this day the following year with a child they didn’t get to hold or held for only a little while. Some have empty, aching arms longing to hold their baby or babies. They are mothers, but no one would know it by looking at them.

Many times, I have grieved the death of our healthy baby. I forget that Grace was conceived with a condition that, if she had lived, would have been filled with a life of struggles. God made her perfect and whole when He carried her home. How heartbreaking, but I also pray rewarding, for those families who have been chosen to care for children who have special needs or other health challenges. In Genesis 3:16 God says, “I will greatly increase your pains in childbearing…” He certainly does. I remember this passage often as I hear of a parent whose child is battling cancer. Or parents who have their day-to-day struggles with their healthy children…me included.

How does grief affect those around us? We know that life goes on. We’re made aware of that as soon as our lives are abruptly brought to a halt. Everything continues to go on around us. We have no choice but to keep going…even if it’s just going through the motions for a while. Some of us have families to care for. How difficult to do for the mom who is missing her husband. I know that I’ve often felt as though I haven’t been given enough time to sort things out. Why? Because, thankfully I have other children at home that need me…whether or not I’m completely “here”, they still need me. Day-to-day life continues on…tantrums, bickering, bills, etc. Some would give anything to have that as they look at an empty crib or bed. I have friends who expected to be caring for their child this Mother’s Day, but their home is quiet…the kind of quiet that is deafening.

What a blessing it is to have mothers in our lives…biological, adoptive, or those who are like a mother to us. Whether we can share Mother’s Day with our mom or remember our time spent with her…Whether we can share this day with our children here on earth or imagine what kind of day they are spending in heaven…Whether you can be a motherly figure to others when God’s answer is different than your prayer of holding one of your own…I pray that we can all see the blessings of this day.

Happy Birthday in heaven, Dad

Tomorrow we'll be putting these flowers in church in memory of my dad's birthday. He was called home to heaven on January 31 of this year. Maddy and Heather helped pick the flowers from Grace's garden. I was excited to see that the 2 purple irises were already opened this morning...from brokenness comes beauty.

Each night during prayers we ask Heather, "...and what did Grace do in heaven today?" If we don't ask this she gets upset. Tonight she said that Grace was at a big party for Grandpa George. (I wonder if he was playing poker with some of his buddies.) Then she said, "You know that you have to ask me what Grace is doing in heaven every night...even when I'm 81!"

Happy 78th Birthday Dad and Grandpa George!

We miss you!



Blessings

Spring came early this year. We've been picking strawberries for a couple of weeks now. It helps to not have to date the jam jars with the month of May. (I might just date everything strawberry related with the month of April. Whatever helps, right?)

I'm going to look back for a moment...At this time 2 years ago, I was planting 50 strawberry plants. I was just beginning my 9th month of pregnancy, pillow on the ground under my knees, many times wondering, "Who does something like this?" But, when you're a farmer's daughter...

That same year, Heather and I went to the strawberry farm down the road and picked berries 3 days before Grace was born. The flood of 2010 left the fields so muddy and slippery. I remember having to walk very carefully so I wouldn't fall. Wanting to get our year's supply in the freezer before the baby arrived, we made jam the next day. I think that I'll always have 5-18-10 engraved in my head each time I look at a jar of strawberry jam. At that time, I was still living in my content little world where everything goes as I planned.

Yesterday, Heather and I walked out to our garden for another picking. Lightheartedly I said, "Heather, I think I'm going to start crying. Look at all of these berries." She said, "Dear God, please stop blessing us!" She makes us smile.

I'll admit that they taste a lot sweeter this year than they did a year ago...all part of the healing process, I guess. It's interesting how processing strawberries and grief relate to one another. Both are bittersweet.

I wrote the following thoughts last July (2011)...

What comes to mind when you hear the word “blessing”?  I think of blessings as things that we're thankful for. I think of something good...something happy...something that brings us joy.  I wouldn't consider something that causes sadness and brokenness to be a blessing. After Grace was born and died a few hours later, we heard from our family and friends, “What a blessing it is that she didn't suffer,” or “It's such a blessing to have a child in heaven.” I've often said the same thing to others who lost a loved one. Of course, it's a blessing to absolutely know that Grace is living in heaven, but it's a blessing that we wouldn't wish for any parent to experience. No one imagines their child dying before they do ~ no matter what age they are...whether they were born perfectly healthy or with struggles. Who carries a child with the intent of him or her dying before birth, shortly after birth, or even years later? No one! I know that I didn't carry Grace for 9 months just to watch her die. Sometimes I sarcastically say, “What a blessing!”

Having a child living in heaven brings us joy and sorrow at the same time. This blessing puts such a weight on my heart, causes my heart to race, and even makes me feel sick to my stomach. I know that God absolutely knows what's best, and when I struggle to try to understand I am reminded that... 

            “No eye has seen, no ear has heard, no mind has conceived what God has prepared

          for those who love him”...  I Corinthians 2:9

Does this feel like a blessing? Not at all. I continue to feel as though I'm being punished and that I didn't deserve to have another child. I often feel as though I'm being looked at as a horrible person who must be a really bad mom. But is this how God works? Of course not! When He sent Jesus to suffer and die for our sins, we were set free...just like Grace was. What a relief to know that she'll never experience a broken heart, stubbed toe, or sore throat. The pains of this life are light and momentary. I am completely humbled and even embarrassed at how ungrateful I must sound, at times. Thankfully, I will never experience anything that comes close to the suffering Jesus endured for me.

            “Therefore we do not lose heart. Though outwardly we are wasting away, yet in-

           wardly we are being renewed day by day. For our light and momentary troubles

           are achieving for us an eternal glory that far outweighs them all. So we fix our

           eyes not on what is seen, but on what is unseen. For what is seen is temporary,

           but what is unseen is eternal.”                              II Corinthians 4:16-18

Last night as I tucked Heather into bed she said, "Mom, do you know that God is not going to stop blessing us?"

"I know," I answered.

From the fullness of His grace we have all received one blessing after another.  John 1:16

Looking Forward to May

As we turn the calendar to another new month…May…it feels as though death is creeping back in. I know that we should look forward to May. Each new day is a gift. Each day and month, however, can feel like another day without Grace…another day farther away from her memory. Instead of feeling so distant from Grace’s memory as time goes on, we want to see this as one day closer to being with her and all of our loved ones again. Most importantly, we long to be with Jesus. At times, it continues to feel as though our lives changed just yesterday. Turning the calendar to 2012 was difficult because I could no longer say “last year”. Coming into another May, I’ve expected to “feel better” by now. Some things have changed, but there continue to be moments where this feels just as bad as her birthday.

Last Sunday, we sang Psalm 118… “This is the day the Lord has made; let us rejoice and be glad in it.” I see and say those words several times each day, because they hang in our kitchen. I couldn’t sing those words last Sunday. They actually made me angry. I felt as though I shouldn’t think about what happened almost 2 years ago. Instead I should suck it up, deal with it, and get over it. “Look forward to today, Wendy.” I do, but my “today” will always have someone missing while I’m on this earth. This is what keeps me looking forward to heaven.

I know that I’ve talked about this before in a previous post: My pastor said that I should focus on today…not the past. I try to do this. If only it was that easy. I feel that it’s necessary for me to put myself in those early moments to see the blessings that have come because of the pain we continue to live with. The “seasoned veterans” told me from day 4 that “time heals…things will get better.” I’m still waiting for that. Did they forget how difficult it was for them when their lives changed? Time has allowed me to learn to process things. Sometimes it takes a few minutes; sometimes it takes several days. Time has also changed how I think and how I listen. I also react differently. When I hear of someone whose life has changed, I put myself back to our first moments of grief, as difficult as it is to do, and try to reach out.

I want to keep my focus on Christ and what He did for me…for Grace, not on what happened to our family.

Yesterday in church, we sang “I am Jesus’ Little Lamb”…a song that will probably always bring me to tears. When I was pregnant with Grace, I remember frequently singing this song with Heather as I pushed her on the swing. At that time, Heather was 3. She knew all of the verses from memory. The day that Bob and I came home from the hospital without Grace, our friend, Angie, told me that Heather was singing this song at the top of her lungs as she was swinging outside. Angie told Heather that Jesus was holding Grace in His arms in heaven. Heather said, “But I wanted to hold her, too.” Our Sunday School children sang this song at Grace’s memorial service. The last verse includes these words...“And when my short life is ended, By his angel hosts attended, He shall fold me to his breast, There within His arms to rest."

I braved Sunday School after church yesterday. I was quickly put back into “survival mode” as we discussed King David’s sin with Bathsheba. I struggle with this section in so many ways. To me, it seems as though David was being punished for his sin of adultery. His son died as a result of his sin. We discussed the difference between punishment and consequences of sin. The punishment of sin is death, but Jesus took that upon Himself when He suffered and died on the cross in our place. Sin also has consequences while we live on this earth. Grace’s death feels more to me like a punishment than something done out of love for our family.

We also talked about David’s reaction after he learned that his son had died. “Then David got up from the ground. After he washed, put on lotions and changed his clothes, he went into the house of the Lord and worshiped. Then he went to his own house,…and he ate.” 2 Samuel 12:20 He said that while his son was still alive, he fasted and wept hoping that God would be gracious to him and let the child live. “But now that he is dead, why should I fast? Can I bring him back again? I will go to him, but he will not return to me.” 2 Samuel 12:23 It sounds to me as though David was able to accept it, deal with it, “get over it”, and move on immediately. I wonder how Bathsheba reacted? Do others refer to this section of Scripture when offering their well-meaning words of comfort to those who have lost a child? David made it look pretty easy, so those who haven’t been through this must assume that it is. During class, someone said that David figured there was nothing he could do about the situation, so he moved on. Is this why I’ve been asked, “Why is your grief so much more…?” Is everyone supposed to act like David? The last thing that I wanted to do was eat. I wasn’t even feeling all that thankful, but we did and continue to worship God.

I’m pretty sure that this isn’t all there was to David’s grief. I’m certain that he missed his son until he saw him again in heaven.

On Saturday, May 5, my dad gets to celebrate his birthday in heaven with Grace. When I was a child, I remember having races with him from the house to the barn and vice versa. He was so fast. Grace won her race only hours after being born. They would tell us that it feels as though they’ve been living in heaven forever. I look forward to that day.

One of Many Tough Days ~ 2 1/2 weeks

June 7, 2010 ~ Monday

I started off this morning saying, “This is the day the Lord has made; let us rejoice and be glad in it.” Psalm 118:24 I opened my Bible to Psalms and began reading. (Bob ordered me a new Bible and had Grace's full name imprinted on the front. It's the only Bible I'll use, and I'm not afraid to write in it. I've already begun underlining words that bring me comfort.) I find that I want to hear these words of comfort from Scriptures, but when they bring tears, I feel anything but comfort. In church yesterday, a friend gave me a card, said how sorry she was, and that she had just heard about Grace. I thanked her and turned away with tears. A few weeks later, I would learn that she lost a 6 month old several years ago. I want people to know about Grace, but I don't like the sad, sick feelings I have when I think about her short life.

She'll never suffer with sunburn, like Maddy had last week. She'll never suffer with cancer, like my friend is facing for the second time while raising her children. As parents, we'll never worry about the possibility of cancer like some of our friends face several times a year when they take their little girl in for her cancer screenings. There are so many wonderful reasons why we rejoice that Grace is in heaven wrapped in the arms of her Savior. A consequence of our sins is enduring pain and suffering. Grace will never know what that feels like. The pain and longing that I feel for her is unbearable at times. But these are just my own selfish earthly desires...wanting her here just so I can hold her.

We spent the morning doing some painful yet necessary things. First, we went to a printing shop to have some Thank You cards made. I cried most of the way there. Bob wrote a poem for Grace the day after she died. We put that on the inside. It says,

Precious Feet

These precious feet are walking with God

No rugged road will harm them.

He'll guide your way,

With Him you'll stay,

Until we meet again in heaven.

It also includes a Bible passage...

“My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness.”  II Corinthians 12:9

I read in a “Comfort from Meditations” the other night that we are to thank God for the tests He gives us. I'm not feeling very thankful today when my head is throbbing and I can't stop crying. I know that God is here. Right now, knowing this doesn't make me feel any better.

After the print shop, we stopped by church. I needed a June calendar because life must go on, and I needed to check on cleaning supplies. A friend came down the hall, and all I remember is her overwhelming happiness. As I was listening to her talk I thought, “I really don't care what you're babbling about.” Later on she asked, “Are you and Bob on a date today?” I quietly said, “No. We're just getting some running around done.” I thought, “If only you knew how much I've been crying already today.”

Part of the tears are frustration. No one wants to say anything. I don't want anyone to ask me how I'm feeling, but then again I do. I just wish they knew what to say and do. If anyone does ask, I always say, “I'm fine. How are you?” I don't want people to forget. It's nice knowing that people are thinking and praying for us, but I wish the cards would stop. No...I really don't wish they'd stop. I wish the words of comfort and Scripture passages would make me feel better right now.

What if they went through something like this? Everyone thinks that I'm o.k. because the garden is weeded and the grass is mowed. If I'm not crying, I must be over it. If I don't keep myself busy, I'd be in bed, on anti-depressants, drinking, eating, or just not wanting to be here. So I have to keep going because I have no choice. I'm supposed to be resting after my C-section, but why would I? There's no baby in our home.

Once we finished at church, we headed to the jewelry store. For Mother's Day two years ago, Bob gave me a necklace that he designed. It's a heart that has a cross going through it. At the top of the heart is my birthstone. The girls' birthstones are along the bottom of the heart. We had Grace's birthstone added to the cross. We wanted to add her name and praying hands or an angel, but it just wouldn't work. I cried all the way home. Through my sinfully, clouded eyes this shouldn't be happening.

Since Grace died, there are moments throughout the day that I have to force myself to find any blessings. Today, I didn't even want to try to find one, but if I had to I'd have to say that there were a couple of moments that the girls made me smile. One time I saw Heather outside on the back patio sitting with one of her kittens picking off ticks. It made me laugh. I worry about how my silence is affecting them. I usually have my back turned to the girls, because I don't want them to see me cry. Bob has been so good about listening to me. That is truly one of the biggest blessings.