In music, a grace note is a note that is held for a brief moment...barely touched on the piano. "Grace Notes" seems like a fitting name for this blog. Our lives changed when I carried our daughter, Grace, for 9 months only to hold her (in my earthly opinion) for a brief moment. She lives in heaven with her Savior. If only that comfort, that sure hope we have, would take away the pain of missing her.

"As you do not know the path of the wind, or how the body is formed in a mother's womb, so you cannot understand the work of God, the Maker of all things." Ecclesiastes 11:5

We are always thankful for Grace.

Tuesday, April 24, 2012

One of Many Tough Days ~ 2 1/2 weeks

June 7, 2010 ~ Monday

I started off this morning saying, “This is the day the Lord has made; let us rejoice and be glad in it.” Psalm 118:24 I opened my Bible to Psalms and began reading. (Bob ordered me a new Bible and had Grace's full name imprinted on the front. It's the only Bible I'll use, and I'm not afraid to write in it. I've already begun underlining words that bring me comfort.) I find that I want to hear these words of comfort from Scriptures, but when they bring tears, I feel anything but comfort. In church yesterday, a friend gave me a card, said how sorry she was, and that she had just heard about Grace. I thanked her and turned away with tears. A few weeks later, I would learn that she lost a 6 month old several years ago. I want people to know about Grace, but I don't like the sad, sick feelings I have when I think about her short life.

She'll never suffer with sunburn, like Maddy had last week. She'll never suffer with cancer, like my friend is facing for the second time while raising her children. As parents, we'll never worry about the possibility of cancer like some of our friends face several times a year when they take their little girl in for her cancer screenings. There are so many wonderful reasons why we rejoice that Grace is in heaven wrapped in the arms of her Savior. A consequence of our sins is enduring pain and suffering. Grace will never know what that feels like. The pain and longing that I feel for her is unbearable at times. But these are just my own selfish earthly desires...wanting her here just so I can hold her.

We spent the morning doing some painful yet necessary things. First, we went to a printing shop to have some Thank You cards made. I cried most of the way there. Bob wrote a poem for Grace the day after she died. We put that on the inside. It says,

Precious Feet

These precious feet are walking with God
No rugged road will harm them.
He'll guide your way,
With Him you'll stay,
Until we meet again in heaven.
It also includes a Bible passage...

“My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness.”  II Corinthians 12:9

I read in a “Comfort from Meditations” the other night that we are to thank God for the tests He gives us. I'm not feeling very thankful today when my head is throbbing and I can't stop crying. I know that God is here. Right now, knowing this doesn't make me feel any better.

After the print shop, we stopped by church. I needed a June calendar because life must go on, and I needed to check on cleaning supplies. A friend came down the hall, and all I remember is her overwhelming happiness. As I was listening to her talk I thought, “I really don't care what you're babbling about.” Later on she asked, “Are you and Bob on a date today?” I quietly said, “No. We're just getting some running around done.” I thought, “If only you knew how much I've been crying already today.”

Part of the tears are frustration. No one wants to say anything. I don't want anyone to ask me how I'm feeling, but then again I do. I just wish they knew what to say and do. If anyone does ask, I always say, “I'm fine. How are you?” I don't want people to forget. It's nice knowing that people are thinking and praying for us, but I wish the cards would stop. No...I really don't wish they'd stop. I wish the words of comfort and Scripture passages would make me feel better right now.

What if they went through something like this? Everyone thinks that I'm o.k. because the garden is weeded and the grass is mowed. If I'm not crying, I must be over it. If I don't keep myself busy, I'd be in bed, on anti-depressants, drinking, eating, or just not wanting to be here. So I have to keep going because I have no choice. I'm supposed to be resting after my C-section, but why would I? There's no baby in our home.

Once we finished at church, we headed to the jewelry store. For Mother's Day two years ago, Bob gave me a necklace that he designed. It's a heart that has a cross going through it. At the top of the heart is my birthstone. The girls' birthstones are along the bottom of the heart. We had Grace's birthstone added to the cross. We wanted to add her name and praying hands or an angel, but it just wouldn't work. I cried all the way home. Through my sinfully, clouded eyes this shouldn't be happening.

Since Grace died, there are moments throughout the day that I have to force myself to find any blessings. Today, I didn't even want to try to find one, but if I had to I'd have to say that there were a couple of moments that the girls made me smile. One time I saw Heather outside on the back patio sitting with one of her kittens picking off ticks. It made me laugh. I worry about how my silence is affecting them. I usually have my back turned to the girls, because I don't want them to see me cry. Bob has been so good about listening to me. That is truly one of the biggest blessings.
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Some might think that we've fallen off the face of the earth. I don't remember ever being good at keeping in touch with others. Calling, writing, or sending cards hasn't been my strongest point. We've felt it was necessary to stay hidden behind our hill the last 2 years. It's how we have been able to survive...to somehow keep going when our summer plans drastically changed in May '10. Bob has always had the God-given knack for building things. He amazes us with his talent. I've built plenty of walls inside of myself without a hammer and nails...walls that need to come down. The only way I feel that I can do that is by writing. My mind goes blank when I try to talk...so many thoughts and no way of putting those thoughts into words except on paper.

Grief is such an unpredictable roller coaster ride of emotions. Everyone means well...we know that. We all want to say or do the right thing...some do, some don't. Some aren't able to overcome the awkwardness of being around someone whose baby died. We make others too sad, so it's just easier for them to stay away...easier for them. The subject is avoided and that has been more devastating for me than watching Grace die in my arms. Again...everyone means well. In the past, I've avoided others using the same poor excuses we have often heard, "I didn't want to upset you," "I don't want to make you cry," I didn't know what to say." Pretending it didn't happen doesn't work. Acknowledgement means everything. Seeing silent tears from a friend standing off to the side meant more to me than listening to the thoughtless chatter of someone who felt it was better to say something rather than nothing. That probably doesn't make sense, but many things on this earth don't.

Nothing I say is meant to hurt or blame anyone. I don't talk much about our daughters who we get to share our lives with. They are not my struggle. Life after Grace is, at times. I don't talk much about the loving support we have received either. I need to talk about the things that cloud my head...the things that keep the walls up. This isn't about me or anyone else. It's about how I can glorify God through this.

We no longer try to wrap our minds around God's plans for us. We just trust Him...and it's not easy. Our faith continues to be refined every day. For that, we are thankful.

What I share here will be difficult. I don't open myself up to many. I'm too afraid of what others will say or won't say. Maybe this will give others a better understanding of what goes on inside my head. If you think you've figured me out, please let me know, because I'm still trying to understand me.

As I just said, I want to glorify God through this. I want others to see that side of me. Some do and many don't. I continue to have a difficult time rejoicing on the outside, but I do. I have joy and peace but it is no longer the unquenchable joy and peace we long to find here on earth. My joy is found in the sure hope of heaven...the sure hope of seeing our loved ones again as we continue to miss them. It's difficult surviving someone that we imagined sharing our lives with. Thankfully, Grace shared her entire life with us, and we know without a doubt, that she lives in heaven with her Savior.