Tax Day

Bob and I took our taxes in the end of January this year. I went along with him so I could sign them right away. Last year he went alone. Last year, I was surprised when Bob called me at home to get Grace's social security number. The Federal Government was going to acknowledge that she actually lived. At the time, I was surprised because ever since she died, I had felt as though she never existed. Two days after she was born, I was filling out paper work in my hospital room before being discharged. I filled out a form for Grace's social security card. I checked a box that said we didn't want to receive a card for her. What was the point? She had already died. A couple of weeks later, I was very disturbed to receive her SS card in the mail. Anyway...we were able to claim her on our 2010 taxes.

Our accountant is a dear friend from our church. I watched as he scrolled through our 2010 taxes, reviewing things...seeing if anything had changed. I was wondering about Grace. When he got to her highlighted name he asked, “Grace passed in 2010, right?” We said that she did. His wife was buried the day after we had Grace's memorial service...he remembered. As he was getting ready to delete Grace's name, I was screaming inside “Don't you dare delete her!” When her name was erased with just the click of a button, I had no words. My heart just sank...again. I held back tears...at times, I feel as though I'm getting better with that. Our friend obviously understood what that must have felt like. He had to do the same thing with his taxes this year. I was thankful that the Federal Governemt acknowledged her existence for a year when in reality, she lived for only 11 hours...but she lived. From the moment of conception, she lived. How heart-wrenching for those whose babies die before they're born, before they're able to take their first breath outside the womb. These babies aren't claimed on taxes even though they lived.

In 2011, she never existed...not on our tax return anyway. Does that mean that the feelings I have for her should end, too? Of course not. I just want the triggers, visions in my head, and painful memories that relate to her birth to go away. Writing about this continues to help me sort through the “crazy” thoughts.

This same night, we held our first Grief Support Group meeting at church. It was small, but I really liked it. I didn't have much to say, and would rather listen sometimes than talk. I wanted to talk about Grace being “deleted” from society, but even in a group of others who are grieving the loss of a loved one, I still feel as though my words would fall on deaf ears. I need to stop assuming that I know what the reaction of others will be. Sometimes, I wish that others could feel this and just automatically know when I need to talk. But, how could they know? It's up to me to talk about this. It's up to me to overcome my own embarrassment to show tears.

I was quiet for a couple of days after that. I eventually told Bob that it was really difficult to see her name deleted. He agreed.