In music, a grace note is a note that is held for a brief moment...barely touched on the piano. "Grace Notes" seems like a fitting name for this blog. Our lives changed when I carried our daughter, Grace, for 9 months only to hold her (in my earthly opinion) for a brief moment. She lives in heaven with her Savior. If only that comfort, that sure hope we have, would take away the pain of missing her.

"As you do not know the path of the wind, or how the body is formed in a mother's womb, so you cannot understand the work of God, the Maker of all things." Ecclesiastes 11:5

We are always thankful for Grace.

Tuesday, April 24, 2012

Words from "Ma" ~ One week later

Once we left the hospital on May 22, 2010 without Grace, I had a difficult time putting all of my thoughts into words "out loud"...I continue to struggle with that. I physically couldn't speak, except for maybe one or two sentences, but then my mind would go blank. When I had some quiet time, which was early in the morning or late at night, I'd write to a couple of friends. This email was sent one week after Grace died. Bob and Maddy were in WI attending Britt's 8th grade graduation service. They would be back home in 2 days. I considered going up, too but just didn't think that I could face anyone. It was probably exactly what I needed to do, rather than staying home...feeling alone. At the time, I just needed to be able to cry...the "ugly" cry with no one around. When I read these emails, I remember that we did have support. It was offered; however, I shut most people out. Everyone was only a phone call away.


These are some of my words to "Ma," our TN mom. I've also included her words of comfort and encouragement.

Hi Ma,

I was out doing chores with Heather last night when you called. Bob left yesterday morning with Maddy to get Britt. They'll be home Saturday evening.

Thanks for the phone calls. Please keep the prayers coming. I probably won't call back because I'm just having a very difficult time controlling the tears. They come without warning and are uncontrollable at times.

After I put Heather to bed last night, I just stood there looking at her and was so thankful to God that she's healthy, as are our other girls. I've probably never been so grateful for that. It's something I take for granted every day. Then I have to remember that Grace would have had a life of suffering, and instead of allowing that, God took her to heaven where she is now whole. What a wonderful blessing! I have to keep remembering that.

I'm pretty sure that what I'm experiencing right now is mostly hormones. Many women go through this even with a healthy baby. Once I can get back to my garden therapy, I'll feel alot better. (So much for wishful thinking.) Now, I seem to dwell on what happened only a week ago.

If you can send some comforting Bible passages my way, please do so.
 
We really appreciated your visit at the hospital, the beautiful flowers, and phone calls.

Love,

Wendy

I don't think she'd mind me sharing her words...bits and pieces of them. It actually helped me to read them again this morning.



My Dear One,

I have kept this pulled up on my computer all day. My heart has been so heavy. Not just because of your note here but because I too have felt so empty. I really haven’t answered you because I just don’t have the words.

I understand about you not calling. Maybe I didn’t until this note, but I totally understand now. Tears are good. It’s a release that God built into us for such a time as this. Now ain’t that just like God!

I have tried to understand this all but I get so much peace knowing, like you, that Baby Gracie is whole and with Jesus. She’s just another hope for us to be there someday. I hope you don’t mind me referring to her as Baby Gracie. If you do, I will try to correct that but understand that she was Baby Gracie to me before she was Grace to you. I have said her name so many times in my prayers and I am so very thankful that God put it on my heart to be so mindful of her. You carried her for months and I called out her name for months. We can both say that we have been blessed by her so much. How can such a loss be such a blessing? Because that’s how God works. The things that seem so hard and so unfair, God uses to show His love and beauty. Sometimes we don’t see things from God eyes until we suffer things that can open our eyes to see more clearly. As you mentioned here that you were so thankful for having your healthy girls, we do see things dimly when everything seems good for us. God gives us our experiences to draw us closer to Him. We can never get to the point that we are close enough. At least until we are there with Him and them.

I’m so very thankful that Baby Gracie won’t suffer. As Mothers, we had far rather suffer than have our children suffer. To think of the sadness in our hearts if Baby Gracie had lived to suffer really makes me sad. Not only for her but for you especially. A Mother’s heart is different from a Dad’s. They didn’t carry the baby and they didn’t have the baby being there. They weren’t actually connected like the Mother.

One of my prayer buddies e-mailed me back to express how sorry she was to hear about Baby Gracie but also said that maybe God would use you to bring someone else comfort and peace. We really can’t relate to others sufficiently until we have been there and done that. Maybe you can get connected with a group that has experienced the same loss and find comfort in each other. "A cord of three strands is not quickly broken." (Ecclesiastes 4:12)

I would love to offer you my company tomorrow evening until Bob gets back Sat. You didn’t say if someone else was coming in this note but if not, I told God to send me. I don’t want to get in your way if you need your space but I desire to come and I feel you need the help with Heather as well. You can tell me after you ask God to take away your pride and show you what He wants you to do. I haven’t forgotten how hard it was for me to allow others to help me when I had my wreck. I still feel bad but I’m mindful that I didn’t force anyone and they will receive special blessings from God because of their servicing hearts and hands. I too need to serve in whatever way I can for you. It maybe in prayer or it could be in a listening ear. God knows. Ask Him to show you if I can help in anyway and let me know what I can do the most. This is not only for tomorrow and Sat. but for anytime (day or night).

I will have to spend some time with God to send you scripture. God is the only one that gives me the treasures in His Word and I haven’t had a clear enough mind for that today.

With my love & prayers,
Ma
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Some might think that we've fallen off the face of the earth. I don't remember ever being good at keeping in touch with others. Calling, writing, or sending cards hasn't been my strongest point. We've felt it was necessary to stay hidden behind our hill the last 2 years. It's how we have been able to survive...to somehow keep going when our summer plans drastically changed in May '10. Bob has always had the God-given knack for building things. He amazes us with his talent. I've built plenty of walls inside of myself without a hammer and nails...walls that need to come down. The only way I feel that I can do that is by writing. My mind goes blank when I try to talk...so many thoughts and no way of putting those thoughts into words except on paper.

Grief is such an unpredictable roller coaster ride of emotions. Everyone means well...we know that. We all want to say or do the right thing...some do, some don't. Some aren't able to overcome the awkwardness of being around someone whose baby died. We make others too sad, so it's just easier for them to stay away...easier for them. The subject is avoided and that has been more devastating for me than watching Grace die in my arms. Again...everyone means well. In the past, I've avoided others using the same poor excuses we have often heard, "I didn't want to upset you," "I don't want to make you cry," I didn't know what to say." Pretending it didn't happen doesn't work. Acknowledgement means everything. Seeing silent tears from a friend standing off to the side meant more to me than listening to the thoughtless chatter of someone who felt it was better to say something rather than nothing. That probably doesn't make sense, but many things on this earth don't.

Nothing I say is meant to hurt or blame anyone. I don't talk much about our daughters who we get to share our lives with. They are not my struggle. Life after Grace is, at times. I don't talk much about the loving support we have received either. I need to talk about the things that cloud my head...the things that keep the walls up. This isn't about me or anyone else. It's about how I can glorify God through this.

We no longer try to wrap our minds around God's plans for us. We just trust Him...and it's not easy. Our faith continues to be refined every day. For that, we are thankful.

What I share here will be difficult. I don't open myself up to many. I'm too afraid of what others will say or won't say. Maybe this will give others a better understanding of what goes on inside my head. If you think you've figured me out, please let me know, because I'm still trying to understand me.

As I just said, I want to glorify God through this. I want others to see that side of me. Some do and many don't. I continue to have a difficult time rejoicing on the outside, but I do. I have joy and peace but it is no longer the unquenchable joy and peace we long to find here on earth. My joy is found in the sure hope of heaven...the sure hope of seeing our loved ones again as we continue to miss them. It's difficult surviving someone that we imagined sharing our lives with. Thankfully, Grace shared her entire life with us, and we know without a doubt, that she lives in heaven with her Savior.