In music, a grace note is a note that is held for a brief moment...barely touched on the piano. "Grace Notes" seems like a fitting name for this blog. Our lives changed when I carried our daughter, Grace, for 9 months only to hold her (in my earthly opinion) for a brief moment. She lives in heaven with her Savior. If only that comfort, that sure hope we have, would take away the pain of missing her.

"As you do not know the path of the wind, or how the body is formed in a mother's womb, so you cannot understand the work of God, the Maker of all things." Ecclesiastes 11:5

We are always thankful for Grace.

Monday, May 21, 2012

Grace's "Glimpse of Heaven" Garden

Last year on May 21, 2011, we invited our family and friends to our home to celebrate Grace's 1st birthday in heaven. It was an amazing day...as amazing as it can be when you're celebrating the birthday of your child who didn't get to come home. I'll admit that the days leading up to the party were a bit difficult...really, no different than any other day. I felt as though I was playing this little game of "Pretend". It felt as though I imagined this child in my head and now we're going to have a pretend party where we paint on our fake smiles...because that's what we're expected to do.

The following is the invitation that was sent out:
An Invitation to Participate in
~A Glimpse of Heaven~
This past year has been one of experiences that we didn't expect...
We were expecting to be holding a new child of God in our arms. 
He lovingly decided to instead take her into His arms.
We were expecting cards of congratulations.
Instead we received cards of condolences.
We were expecting “oohs” and “aahs” as we carried
this new precious life along with us to church.
We were instead numbed to life and now know that we were carried along
by the love of our gracious God and the prayers of our church family.

We have been reminded of God's words in Isaiah 55:8-9...
"For my thoughts are not your thoughts, neither are your ways my ways,”
declares the LORD.  “For as the heavens are higher than the earth,
so are my ways higher than your ways and my thoughts than your thoughts.”

As we arrive at the first anniversary of Grace's entrance into heaven,
we would be honored to have you join us in giving thanks to God
for his gracious love and to help us plant a memory garden for Grace...
We have named it our “Glimpse of Heaven” garden.
Please join us at
The Wendt Family Home
~Gracehaven~

Thankfully, it turned out to be a really nice day...hot, but nice. We asked our guests to bring a flower that would be planted in Grace's "Glimpse of Heaven" Garden. I remember walking to the front of our home that day while everyone was in the backyard. I looked at all of the flowers and was completely overwhelmed. Pastor H. gathered everyone around the garden and gave a devotion. After that, we walked to the top of the hill with balloons. I think that we had about 300 blown up to release to heaven. What an amazing sight! As we were getting ready to release them, a strong wind came up and thunder was rumbling in the distance. Bob let several balloons go at once, and they ended up getting stuck in a tree in the backyard.


Each day after that as we looked up to see them, we were reminded how important it is to keep our focus on heaven...to keep looking up. Today, we can still see the colorful streamers that are caught in the branches.






We asked everyone to bring flowers.
They certainly delivered.




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Some might think that we've fallen off the face of the earth. I don't remember ever being good at keeping in touch with others. Calling, writing, or sending cards hasn't been my strongest point. We've felt it was necessary to stay hidden behind our hill the last 2 years. It's how we have been able to survive...to somehow keep going when our summer plans drastically changed in May '10. Bob has always had the God-given knack for building things. He amazes us with his talent. I've built plenty of walls inside of myself without a hammer and nails...walls that need to come down. The only way I feel that I can do that is by writing. My mind goes blank when I try to talk...so many thoughts and no way of putting those thoughts into words except on paper.

Grief is such an unpredictable roller coaster ride of emotions. Everyone means well...we know that. We all want to say or do the right thing...some do, some don't. Some aren't able to overcome the awkwardness of being around someone whose baby died. We make others too sad, so it's just easier for them to stay away...easier for them. The subject is avoided and that has been more devastating for me than watching Grace die in my arms. Again...everyone means well. In the past, I've avoided others using the same poor excuses we have often heard, "I didn't want to upset you," "I don't want to make you cry," I didn't know what to say." Pretending it didn't happen doesn't work. Acknowledgement means everything. Seeing silent tears from a friend standing off to the side meant more to me than listening to the thoughtless chatter of someone who felt it was better to say something rather than nothing. That probably doesn't make sense, but many things on this earth don't.

Nothing I say is meant to hurt or blame anyone. I don't talk much about our daughters who we get to share our lives with. They are not my struggle. Life after Grace is, at times. I don't talk much about the loving support we have received either. I need to talk about the things that cloud my head...the things that keep the walls up. This isn't about me or anyone else. It's about how I can glorify God through this.

We no longer try to wrap our minds around God's plans for us. We just trust Him...and it's not easy. Our faith continues to be refined every day. For that, we are thankful.

What I share here will be difficult. I don't open myself up to many. I'm too afraid of what others will say or won't say. Maybe this will give others a better understanding of what goes on inside my head. If you think you've figured me out, please let me know, because I'm still trying to understand me.

As I just said, I want to glorify God through this. I want others to see that side of me. Some do and many don't. I continue to have a difficult time rejoicing on the outside, but I do. I have joy and peace but it is no longer the unquenchable joy and peace we long to find here on earth. My joy is found in the sure hope of heaven...the sure hope of seeing our loved ones again as we continue to miss them. It's difficult surviving someone that we imagined sharing our lives with. Thankfully, Grace shared her entire life with us, and we know without a doubt, that she lives in heaven with her Savior.