In music, a grace note is a note that is held for a brief moment...barely touched on the piano. "Grace Notes" seems like a fitting name for this blog. Our lives changed when I carried our daughter, Grace, for 9 months only to hold her (in my earthly opinion) for a brief moment. She lives in heaven with her Savior. If only that comfort, that sure hope we have, would take away the pain of missing her.

"As you do not know the path of the wind, or how the body is formed in a mother's womb, so you cannot understand the work of God, the Maker of all things." Ecclesiastes 11:5

We are always thankful for Grace.

Tuesday, May 22, 2012

So How's the Garden?

Spring came early in TN this year. The flowers have been in bloom since March. We've been enjoying something new every week.



The girls love picking bouquets and filling our vases with fresh flowers nearly every day. As a child, I remember that as being frowned upon. One of their favorite pasttimes seems to be picking off the spent blossoms...allowing new growth. Gardens certainly have a much deeper meaning than just weeds, picking flowers, displaying them while they're pretty, and throwing them out once they're wilted.




From brokenness comes beauty...





"So...how's the garden?" This was the question most often asked when people didn't know what else to say. How upsetting this was to me, because it made me feel as though Grace never existed. What our family had just experienced never happened. I absolutely understand the reasoning behind the reactions of others. I've done the same thing. I think that we feel a need to at least say something, so we talk about anything…in our case, this was anything but the life changing event that we needed to talk about most.
It’s o.k. to ask about the garden. Those who know me know that I like to play in the dirt. It’s been my “therapy” since I was a little girl. Please understand though how difficult it has been to hear that question. After all, who plants a garden when she’s 9 months pregnant? This isn’t some amazing feat by any means; however, when one has been faced with what happened next, how could such a question be asked? An emergency C-section (unexpected but excited to go in early for a change)…being told “She won’t live”…making unheard of decisions…coming home with a scar that doesn’t “heal” in 6 weeks… “How’s the garden?” was the last thing on our minds. If she lived, I absolutely would be talking about how the girls and I were out harvesting vegetables.
Grace's Garden wasn't the garden in question two years ago when our lives changed. That wasn’t even a thought until several months later. Asking about the garden was a way for well-meaning people to approach me...to at least say something. But why were they feeling a need to approach me? Because Grace died. So what did many talk about then? Anything but Grace. Now when asked, we can show these pictures and answer, "Our gardens continue to change and grow and bloom just like our family's faith."

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2 comments:

  1. KatieJune 5, 2012 at 7:42 PM

    Wendy, when I ask about your garden I think first of Grace's flower garden. I don't really care about the corn- although I do enjoy eating it. I guess because I can't ask about how she is doing (although we believe she is happy in Heaven), I ask about her flowers. I want you to know that I do think of a her as a very real little girl and a part of your family. I want to be able to ask you about her the same as I would your other girls. I wonder perhaps if people that were there when you planted her flowers think of her garden and not your vegetables when they ask this question. Perhaps, like me, at least some of them are trying to tell you that they have never forgotten.

    Perhaps the next time someone asks you this question you can say "Grace's flowers or the vegetables"? You might find some of them are thinking along the same vein, and if they aren't it gives you a subtle way to hint to say "It is ok to talk about my Daughter". They might not say anything about her right away, but perhaps down the road they will knowing that you speak her name and thus they can too.

    As always, I think about your family often.

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    1. WendyJune 6, 2012 at 7:32 AM

      I like your suggestion for how I could respond to someone who asks about the garden: "Grace's flowers or the vegetables?"

      When I write, I sound as though I'm talking about everyone in my life. I'm usually only venting about a couple of well-meaning comments that have been made. You will never say anything inappropriate...maybe because you are walking this road, too. You can say anything about the garden, and I know that you're not purposely avoiding Grace. When so many others asked me this question, it was only days after Grace died. Even a few weeks later when someone saw tears streaming down my face during Bible class, I was asked about the garden...instead of the obvious reason why I'd be crying...obvious to me anyway. They were talking about the trivial vegetables...they needed to say something to me, but all I needed to hear from them was the name Grace. That rarely, usually never, happened and that continues to crush me. Last year after planting Grace's Garden, I continued to hear the same question, "So how's the garden?" I was always so taken back by that and thought, "Seriously, you're still asking me about the garden?" I'd just say "Great!" and want to walk away. After processing that question after I'd leave my friends, I began to realize, "Oh, they're talking about Grace's Garden." I thought that they were still asking about the veggies. I feel so traumatized by that question. It will always be a trigger for me...so many things are.

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Some might think that we've fallen off the face of the earth. I don't remember ever being good at keeping in touch with others. Calling, writing, or sending cards hasn't been my strongest point. We've felt it was necessary to stay hidden behind our hill the last 2 years. It's how we have been able to survive...to somehow keep going when our summer plans drastically changed in May '10. Bob has always had the God-given knack for building things. He amazes us with his talent. I've built plenty of walls inside of myself without a hammer and nails...walls that need to come down. The only way I feel that I can do that is by writing. My mind goes blank when I try to talk...so many thoughts and no way of putting those thoughts into words except on paper.

Grief is such an unpredictable roller coaster ride of emotions. Everyone means well...we know that. We all want to say or do the right thing...some do, some don't. Some aren't able to overcome the awkwardness of being around someone whose baby died. We make others too sad, so it's just easier for them to stay away...easier for them. The subject is avoided and that has been more devastating for me than watching Grace die in my arms. Again...everyone means well. In the past, I've avoided others using the same poor excuses we have often heard, "I didn't want to upset you," "I don't want to make you cry," I didn't know what to say." Pretending it didn't happen doesn't work. Acknowledgement means everything. Seeing silent tears from a friend standing off to the side meant more to me than listening to the thoughtless chatter of someone who felt it was better to say something rather than nothing. That probably doesn't make sense, but many things on this earth don't.

Nothing I say is meant to hurt or blame anyone. I don't talk much about our daughters who we get to share our lives with. They are not my struggle. Life after Grace is, at times. I don't talk much about the loving support we have received either. I need to talk about the things that cloud my head...the things that keep the walls up. This isn't about me or anyone else. It's about how I can glorify God through this.

We no longer try to wrap our minds around God's plans for us. We just trust Him...and it's not easy. Our faith continues to be refined every day. For that, we are thankful.

What I share here will be difficult. I don't open myself up to many. I'm too afraid of what others will say or won't say. Maybe this will give others a better understanding of what goes on inside my head. If you think you've figured me out, please let me know, because I'm still trying to understand me.

As I just said, I want to glorify God through this. I want others to see that side of me. Some do and many don't. I continue to have a difficult time rejoicing on the outside, but I do. I have joy and peace but it is no longer the unquenchable joy and peace we long to find here on earth. My joy is found in the sure hope of heaven...the sure hope of seeing our loved ones again as we continue to miss them. It's difficult surviving someone that we imagined sharing our lives with. Thankfully, Grace shared her entire life with us, and we know without a doubt, that she lives in heaven with her Savior.