I Will Smile So That You Will Feel Better

 

Throughout this process I continue to learn many things. I wonder why I feel or act a certain way towards some. I wonder why I can be "Wendy" with a chosen few. I also wonder why others act a certain way toward me. A couple of years ago I read some words from someone that gave me a glimpse into the minds of others. I realize that just because one person feels a certain way doesn’t mean that everyone does. Keep in mind that just because I react one way to something someone says or does, doesn’t mean that I feel this way toward everyone. My reactions are different with each individual.

After Grace died, I’ve had a very difficult time seeing smiles on the faces of others…especially from those who know that we lost a daughter. (I've come to realize that just because they "know" our daughter died, they don't "know" how different life has become.) It's been difficult giving grace to others, especially when I don't have Grace. Back to the smiles...This was especially difficult to see only days and weeks after our lives changed. (It continues to be difficult, at times, even today.) I couldn’t understand how people could come up to me with smiles on their faces (to me, their smiles were overwhelmingly HUGE), talk about "nothing"…or should I say, talk about anything but Grace, and act as though nothing happened. In a way, nothing did happen…to them. Our lives changed…not theirs. Now they’re left to wonder why we’ve become so different.

We begin to "paint" smiles on our faces, because it seems as though that’s what we’re expected to do…smile. We’re Christians and sometimes it feels like we’re not supposed to hurt or struggle. My mom was asked by her pastor how she was doing. Dad died about 2 months before Easter and she said something like, "Not so good, " or "It’s been difficult." His reply was, "Christ is risen!" Yep, we know that, but believing that doesn’t make us feel any better or take away one ounce of the pain that we feel as we miss our loved ones. I’ve become too afraid to say anything to some because of the response I may or may not receive.

Someone gave me an analogy to try explaining why we’ve been avoiding one another. She wrote "… how many times will someone smile at someone before they stop because they don't get the same response back…Perhaps that is what I struggled with, expecting something in return." That analogy got me thinking…We don’t want to see others in pain. When we do, we try to fix it. We want them to feel better. We want to take their mind off what hurts them. We want them to think that we know exactly how they must feel. Notice all of the "we wants". Grief is not about "you". I don’t even know if it’s about "me". I continue to struggle with the expectations that others have of me after losing a child...especially when my expectations were to have a child.

I’ve done this so many times, too. I’ve smiled at someone who’s hurting, and if they smiled back I thought, "Good, they’re smiling. They must be o.k. If they’re in church today…appearing to be holding up, they must be 'better'." I never realized, until Grace died, just how difficult it is to be such a good liar.

A friend put it this way, "Eventually you get sick of living a lie." She also lives with a child in heaven. There came a point early on when I just stopped looking at others. If we didn't actually "see" each other we could pretend that the other wasn’t there. I didn’t have to see their smile, and they didn't have to approach me. (It was just too awkward for everyone.) It can be difficult seeing other’s joy…especially when it comes naturally. That used to be me, too.

That first year was filled with learning how to process everything...I'm still learning how to process in our 3rd year. No matter what someone would say to me, I would usually take it the wrong way. If they said something well-meaning yet very hurtful, I'd say nothing and save the meltdown for later...making a note in my mental notebook to avoid them from now on because they're not "good" for me.

I even came to a point where I wouldn't smile at others. That’s what everyone wanted to see, and when they saw Wendy smiling, she must be approachable today. It feels like everyone's holding their breath waiting for Wendy to be over it. I remember someone approaching me one day and commented, "I see a smile on your face today." My response was, "I bought a new can of paint." Then I walked away.

Grief is definitely a constant process. Every moment of every day is unpredictable...even years later. I continue to be thankful for the experience God has blessed our family with...no matter how much I continue to hurt and struggle. God is good!

No One Misses Her

In September, I went to a grief support group meeting on my birthday. It was a small group of women…all of them lost a son or daughter…ages 24 years and older. We all told our stories briefly. No matter how long we had our children ~ weeks in the womb or hours or years in this world ~ we have memories and a lifetime we expected to share with our child/ren.

I felt pretty comfortable with this group, but I’ll admit that it was difficult for me to share my story. I’m sitting in a group with others who had their children for years. Does that make anyone’s grief more or less? Not at all! When others ask how old Grace was, I hesitate to answer because I’m afraid of what they’ll say after that. I feel, and have been made to feel, that since we only had her for 9 months in the womb and 11 hours in the hospital, we shouldn’t grieve as long or as much as someone who got to take their child home…as brief as that time might be for some.

I’m pretty sure that I’ve developed this mindset from the well-meaning (yet, I can’t believe you said that) comments we’ve heard since Grace died. People want to say something that will bring comfort. Their words might sound comforting to them but can pierce the heart of a grieving parent. Those comforters...miserable comforters at times...just don't miss her.

Back to the meeting...At that first meeting, we brought pictures and/or photo albums of the child who died. Many of their children have surviving children...their grandchildren. I’m so thankful that many of these moms have grandchildren to carry on their child’s memories. I’m also thankful that we have a few pictures of Grace. There are so many whose babies died and there are no pictures…they don’t even know if they have sons or daughters. I’m thankful for what we have. At times, it feels as though we have so little of Grace, but when I read/hear the stories of others, I feel very fortunate. What we carry of our child in our hearts can never be taken away…no amount of time can take any of this away.

Two weeks later, I attended the meeting again. This is when I began to realize something new...no one misses her. There were a few more people there that weren’t at the first meeting. A new couple came who had lost their 14 month old daughter in August. The paternal grandparents also attended to offer their support and share their story.

This is where I think most of my struggle lies. We didn’t know how to act, react, who to call, what to say, or what to do when Grace was born…we just didn’t know. We were in complete shock! We went to the hospital to have a baby but left without her. I can’t change the decisions we made that day, but those decisions have certainly had a huge impact on us and on our relationship with our families and friends. I should be more gracious and forgiving when I hear those same words from others who say, "We just didn’t know what to say or do". I need to come to a point where I can tell them how I struggle with what they said and how they reacted. I feel that it’s our responsibility to enlighten those who just don’t "get us" anymore.

At the last meeting, it was difficult for me to see this dad crying and to see his parents cry. We didn’t allow anyone "in" when Grace died. I think that this had so much to do with our upbringing and even the reactions (or lack of reaction) from family when we made our announcements that we were expecting…it began already with our 1st child. No one ever seemed excited for us. We even heard, "It's not like this is our first grandchild!" So, we often kept our exciting news to ourselves for as long as we could.

After we left the hospital without Grace, I didn’t see many tears from Bob. As time goes on, I understand this more, but it’s always been difficult to realize how different our grief is…how differently we show it on the outside. I remember as we drove home from the hospital, Bob said, "It doesn’t feel like this ever happened." He said that he always bonded more with our girls after they came home from the hospital. Grace was never in our home after she was born, so there was a different association I guess. Bob removed as many of the physical reminders in our home the day after Grace was born and died…before he brought me home. He took out the 2,000 diapers and wipes, the high chair, etc. I took down her bed a few days after I came home from the hospital. The physical is gone, but the emotional and psychological don’t go away…not with time like so many think.

At the meeting, the grandfather cried as he said, "I just miss her…" That’s when I realized that no one really misses Grace. Bob and I were the only ones who got to hold her. Our pastor was the only other person that we knew who got to see her. Our friends and family never saw us with her except for when I was pregnant. I guess that’s why this has felt like such a lonely journey. Out of 4 parents and 9 siblings, 3 came to her service…kind of makes us feel as though she never existed...like she wasn't important to anyone...like she wasn’t real. So obvious to us that life continues on...more apparent when ours seemed to stop.

I’m pretty sure that everyone misses us. Some of the "old" Bob and Wendy are back, but I guess that just depends upon who we’re with at the time. I feel that there are different sides to us now. We became different people that day. Life has certainly changed. Thankfully, God’s plan for us is better than what we could ever plan or imagine.

Heather continues to remember Grace out loud…no awkwardness…no fear of making us sad or reminding us that we have a daughter living in heaven. One day after school, she had tears in her eyes as she told me, "I cried in school today because I missed Grace. We talked about people we know that are in heaven."

When Grace died, our lives were fast-forwarded 3 years. We were expecting to be changing diapers, be up for middle-of-the-night feedings, rocking another baby, etc. When we came home from the hospital without her, we had to somehow go back to being parents to our then 14, 11, and 3 year old daughters.

Thankfully, we only miss her.

No one misses her when we hear, "You're practically empty nesters now that the girls are in school," or "Your house must be so quiet...that must be nice." I often hear how so many can't wait till their children are gone.

No one misses her...Ocassionally in church, Bob and I are the only 2 in the pew. Britt and Maddy are away at school, and sometimes Heather spends the weekend with her cousins. It's nice to be able to worship with no distractions when it's only the 2 of us, but it's extremely difficult for me to be sitting there with only Bob. One day after the church service, I heard our pastor innocently tell Bob how lonely he looked sitting there with no children. If only he knew just how lonely I feel when we are alone in church. What an obvious reminder to me, yet no one else realizes how difficult it continues to be. Little does anyone realize that our home isn't supposed to be quiet. We're not supposed to be sitting alone in church, yet. We expected to have a 3 year old with us in tow everywhere we go. We expected to be sitting in the back of church with our little one for the last 3 1/2 years...not in the front of church because I can't handle the distraction of little ones.

When I continue to hear these things, or listen to others complain about their children and grandchildren, I just smile, say nothing, and pray that I can just walk away from them without hating them.

No one missed her only a couple of months after she died. We waited to have a funeral/memorial service for Grace. We were finally "ready" 2 months later. Most of our immediate family didn't attend. One week after her memorial service, we traveled to WI to enroll our 2 older daughters in school and visited our families. This would be the first time I saw the "in-law side" since I was pregnant with Grace. When I was pregnant with her, some of them said "Let us know when the baby arrives so we can come down to TN to visit." After she died, I remember walking in the door...not being able to breathe when I saw them. It's always been difficult seeing others for the first time...Instead of hearing anything about Grace, I was asked, "How's your garden?" Then we heard, "We get to meet another baby soon!" Bob's sister just had a baby the day before...no one missed our Grace.

No one misses her...when I see a highschool classmate that I haven't seen in several years, and they tell me how my youngest daughter looks just like me. They don't realize that she's not our youngest, but I smile anyway and just say, "Thank you." I save the meltdown for when I'm alone.

No one misses her...when others comment on the gap in age between our daughters. Britt is 17, Maddy is 15, and Heather is 6. I've often heard when they refer to Heather, "We know what happened there." or "That was obviously a mistake/accident." No one realizes just by looking at us that there could have been children in between them or after Heather. We tend to assume we know how things are based on what we see with our eyes. Our plans and God's plans coincided when we wanted a family...even with the age gap. We just didn't plan for Grace to die before we did.

No one misses her...when we're at family get togethers. As soon as I walk in the door, it feels like someone's missing in our family. They don't realize how difficult it is to smile for the pictures...another picture that shows "life after Grace"... how everyone else is growing and getting older. Thankfully, life goes on...it just moves at such a different pace now.

With the upcoming holidays, we often reminisce about our loved ones who have already died. We have so many fond memories of them, but Grace will never be mentioned. Maybe we're all just afraid to miss her out loud.

Birthdays

Birthdays certainly are different for me now that we have a child living in heaven. When we were expecting back in 2010, I was expecting to spend my 40th birthday with our 4th child who would have been 4 months old. It continues to be difficult just hearing the word "birth"day. No one expects a child to be born and then die on the same day...or die any time before birth...or any time after. We just don't expect children to die...no matter what age.

On my 43rd birthday last month, Bob wished me a "Happy Birthday". I smiled and said that life is a gift. I believe this, but I don’t get excited about birthdays like I did when I was younger. I think that it has everything to do with things that we experience in life...especially death. Birthdays are supposed to be a happy day filled with surprises, cards, and cake. As I’ve grown older, I try to avoid that special attention. It just makes me feel uncomfortable. Many will ask, "So what are you going to do on your birthday?" "What do you want?" Honestly, I want the day to come and go as quietly as possible. But I can't say that out loud. They just wouldn't "get it". I was so thankful this year that I had our store to keep my mind busy. It has become one of those unexpected blessings that has come from such a dark time.

Life is a gift... 

Grace is a gift...God's gift of undeserved love. Gifts aren't supposed to be given and then taken away. I guess this is where I tend to struggle a bunch. We had our gift of Grace for such a short time ~ short in our earthly eyes. Children are a gift from God, but they are still God's ~ entrusted to us for a little while. There was excitement on her birthday up until her birth when Bob said, "You know that she won't live". There were no pink cards of congratulations...only sympathy cards...no phone calls. She did, however, receive the greatest gift through the waters of baptism...eternal life. From death comes life ~ and that makes us smile.

Since that time, I associate so many things with Grace, and birthdays are one of those things. I was anticipating the unsolicited birthday wishes once again this year. I was expecting family to stop into the store to visit that day or send a message on FB...family that couldn't/wouldn't even make it to TN when we needed them. It continues to be difficult to smile when so much hurt, frustration, and disappointment is held inside.

I remember back to May and how I wanted to observe Grace’s 3rd birthday in heaven. Very few of our customers know that we lost a daughter. It’s just easier that way. We bought 3 balloons for her, and I put them on the counter in our store. I needed to somehow acknowledge her birthday, and this was a subtle way to do it. Most didn’t even notice them. Some said, "Someone has a birthday today?" I’d smile and simply answer, "Yes, one of our daughters," praying that they wouldn’t ask any more questions. Some innocently did, and that’s when things get awkward. (That’s why it’s just easier to share this side of us with a chosen few.) When they’d ask whose birthday it was and I said something like, "Our youngest daughter has been living in heaven for 3 years," I’d catch them so off guard and just get annoyed by their replies. I heard, "Great, that’s just great!" Then as he left, he turned and said, "We’re still waiting to hear from Dan. His wife is expecting #10 any day now." Or there was the awkward "O.K. then" when they found out who the balloons were for. It made me feel like I was a bit crazy for "dwelling" on the past. It continues to be awkward to say the least.

I'm not sure what I expect or want from people. If they haven't walked this road, they truly have no idea how different life is after losing a child. I know that she had the best birthday ever. Maybe it's just so different for me because birthdays and celebrating don't seem to go together anymore...not after what I witnessed that day. Attending birthday parties now is just something I do because that's what I'm expected to do. Thankfully, life goes on...but in such a different way.

On my birthday this year, I went to a grief support group meeting. I was rather quiet all day and thought that it would be nice to be around others who understood me…others that had lost children. I could tell them without fear of judgment that another birthday just feels like another year that I survived our baby. Even though we have 3 beautiful, healthy daughters that bring us joy, I continue to struggle with being a mom and a wife ~ alive although it feels like a part of me died with Grace.

Ugly Shoes

We often hear that life is a journey. The road we walk on is different for everyone...filled with the unknown...laid out for us before we even existed. I believe that God has lovingly chosen each of us to wear a different pair of shoes for our journey. Some shoes are comfortable. Others can feel pretty tight. Many shoes are ugly and can cause calluses to build up on our "soul". God doesn't give us our "shoes" and then just walk away. He is Someone who has already been down this road and walks beside us each step of the way. I believe that our ugly shoes ~ perfectly fitted for us by our loving Father ~ are meant to draw us closer to Him by refining our faith, leading us to heaven.

Everyone walks with a different pair of shoes...

Ugly Shoes

I am wearing a pair of shoes.

They are ugly shoes. Uncomfortable shoes.

Each day I wear them,

and each day I wish I had another pair.

Some days my shoes hurt so bad that

I do not think I can take another step.

Yet, I continue to wear them.

I get funny looks wearing these shoes.

I can tell in others eyes that they are glad

they are my shoes and not theirs.

They never talk about my shoes...

To learn how awful my shoes are
might make them uncomfortable.

 

To truly understand these shoes
you must walk in them.

But, once you put them on,
you can never take them off.

I now realize that I am not the only one
who wears these shoes.

There are many pairs in this world.

Some women ache daily
as they try and walk in them.

Some have learned how to walk in them
so they don't hurt quite as much.

Some have worn the shoes so long that

days will go by before they think about
how much they hurt.

 ...because of these shoes I am a stronger woman.

These shoes have given me
the strength to face anything.

They have made me who I am.

I am a woman who has lost a child.
I will forever walk in these shoes.
Author unknown

These precious little feet get to walk with God without any shoes.
I imagine Grace running around barefoot in heaven
just like her sisters do here on earth.