In music, a grace note is a note that is held for a brief moment...barely touched on the piano. "Grace Notes" seems like a fitting name for this blog. Our lives changed when I carried our daughter, Grace, for 9 months only to hold her (in my earthly opinion) for a brief moment. She lives in heaven with her Savior. If only that comfort, that sure hope we have, would take away the pain of missing her.

"As you do not know the path of the wind, or how the body is formed in a mother's womb, so you cannot understand the work of God, the Maker of all things." Ecclesiastes 11:5

We are always thankful for Grace.

Tuesday, March 20, 2012

The Calm Before the Storm

"The Beginning of my Grace Journals" post talked about the months before May, doctors' visits, and ultrasounds. Our final ultrasound left us with the most hope if I can recall correctly. We prepared to have our baby at Vanderbilt just to be safe. Our next appointment would be May 20 to schedule our baby's birthday.

Week of May 9, 2010

The next few days were spent planting the garden. I at least wanted to get everything in before I went in. I also started planning meals for when I would be gone. I was anticipating a hospital stay in the NICU with the baby. It was difficult not knowing if we'd be in the hospital for a while. If we were, for how long? Having the meals planned out and the freezer full of food was one less thing to worry about. 

On Sunday, May 16, we had a fundraiser potluck at church for a family who lost their home in the flood. (Much of the state was affected by a devastating flood the first weekend of May.) Pastor told me that we needed to have our baby by June 13th, so we could have a baptism that day. The theme for the church service on the 13th would be Baptism. I just gave him a half-grin and said, “We'll see.” Bob and I already decided back in February that Bob would baptize the baby as soon as he or she was born. June 13th also was our due date.

Monday, May 17, I went strawberry picking with our (then) 3 year old daughter. I wanted to get our yearly supply of jam in the freezer before the baby came. The family at the strawberry farm was joking with me that I might have this baby out in the field. I still had 2 ½ weeks to go, but I looked as though I was ready to burst. Knowing how uncomfortable I felt, I just smiled at their comments. We had fun picking. Our daughter ate most of her berries. The fields were very wet and extremely slimy and slippery due to all of the rain we had. The flooding was the first weekend of May, and many places were still recovering.

On Tuesday, May 18th, we made strawberry jam.

On May 19, I picked up a couple of last minute things for the hospital just in case I went in early. I got some slip-on shoes and capris for the hospital. I wanted something comfortable to lounge around in if our stay was going to be lengthy. I stopped at Food Lion to get more sugar, because I wanted to make one more batch of jam. When I got to the checkout, the cashier said, “Shoot girl. You havin' twins? You huge!” My heart just sank. I gave her my half-grin and shook my head, “No.” Then she asked, “When you due?” As I was taking my groceries to leave, I said, “In a couple of weeks.” The bagger laughed as I left and said, “I don't think she'll even make it to the car.”

As I pulled into the driveway, I stopped to say, “Hi,” to our neighbor. She was taking her dog for a walk. I hadn't talked to her since last October. I told her that we were having a baby in a couple of weeks. I can't remember any more of our conversation. That night, I remember being excited about our new OB appointment and ultrasound with the Vanderbilt doctors tomorrow. I was anxious to see which day they would schedule us to come in to induce me.

I planted some more of the garden. I used a pillow to kneel on and could barely get up once I was down.

As I look back today, 22 months later, I see so many signs of things that should have told me to let my doctor know. Nothing would have changed the outcome. God was already at work even before conception.
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Some might think that we've fallen off the face of the earth. I don't remember ever being good at keeping in touch with others. Calling, writing, or sending cards hasn't been my strongest point. We've felt it was necessary to stay hidden behind our hill the last 2 years. It's how we have been able to survive...to somehow keep going when our summer plans drastically changed in May '10. Bob has always had the God-given knack for building things. He amazes us with his talent. I've built plenty of walls inside of myself without a hammer and nails...walls that need to come down. The only way I feel that I can do that is by writing. My mind goes blank when I try to talk...so many thoughts and no way of putting those thoughts into words except on paper.

Grief is such an unpredictable roller coaster ride of emotions. Everyone means well...we know that. We all want to say or do the right thing...some do, some don't. Some aren't able to overcome the awkwardness of being around someone whose baby died. We make others too sad, so it's just easier for them to stay away...easier for them. The subject is avoided and that has been more devastating for me than watching Grace die in my arms. Again...everyone means well. In the past, I've avoided others using the same poor excuses we have often heard, "I didn't want to upset you," "I don't want to make you cry," I didn't know what to say." Pretending it didn't happen doesn't work. Acknowledgement means everything. Seeing silent tears from a friend standing off to the side meant more to me than listening to the thoughtless chatter of someone who felt it was better to say something rather than nothing. That probably doesn't make sense, but many things on this earth don't.

Nothing I say is meant to hurt or blame anyone. I don't talk much about our daughters who we get to share our lives with. They are not my struggle. Life after Grace is, at times. I don't talk much about the loving support we have received either. I need to talk about the things that cloud my head...the things that keep the walls up. This isn't about me or anyone else. It's about how I can glorify God through this.

We no longer try to wrap our minds around God's plans for us. We just trust Him...and it's not easy. Our faith continues to be refined every day. For that, we are thankful.

What I share here will be difficult. I don't open myself up to many. I'm too afraid of what others will say or won't say. Maybe this will give others a better understanding of what goes on inside my head. If you think you've figured me out, please let me know, because I'm still trying to understand me.

As I just said, I want to glorify God through this. I want others to see that side of me. Some do and many don't. I continue to have a difficult time rejoicing on the outside, but I do. I have joy and peace but it is no longer the unquenchable joy and peace we long to find here on earth. My joy is found in the sure hope of heaven...the sure hope of seeing our loved ones again as we continue to miss them. It's difficult surviving someone that we imagined sharing our lives with. Thankfully, Grace shared her entire life with us, and we know without a doubt, that she lives in heaven with her Savior.