In music, a grace note is a note that is held for a brief moment...barely touched on the piano. "Grace Notes" seems like a fitting name for this blog. Our lives changed when I carried our daughter, Grace, for 9 months only to hold her (in my earthly opinion) for a brief moment. She lives in heaven with her Savior. If only that comfort, that sure hope we have, would take away the pain of missing her.

"As you do not know the path of the wind, or how the body is formed in a mother's womb, so you cannot understand the work of God, the Maker of all things." Ecclesiastes 11:5

We are always thankful for Grace.

Monday, March 26, 2012

Canned Relish

Today, March 21, 2012, as I was making lunch, I was taken back to August of 2009...back when I still lived in my content world of oblivion. I continue to be caught completely off guard by the simplest things that trigger thoughts of Grace...almost 2 years later. Anything and everything takes me to that place.
I took down a jar of pickle relish that was dated 8/3/09. My mind went back to the summer of '09 when my sister and her family visited us in July. They just announced that they were expecting their 4th child. We were all excited and immediately knew that we wanted another baby, too.

Within days, I began planning to can a bunch of veggies from our garden. I assumed that I was going to be busy with a baby next summer, so there might not be time to plant a big garden. Our shelves were and still are stocked with pickles, okra, tomatoes, and apple butter dated 8/09 to 1/10. The most difficult dates to come across came from our freezer. Heather and I froze strawberry jam (5/18/10)...only 2 days before Grace was born and died. The day before that we were out picking strawberries. I was even teased (lovingly, I'm sure) by the farm owners as I walked to their patch. I heard them say that they never had anyone deliver in one of their fields before. I just smiled my half-grin. (I had heard so many comments on my size by this time and just didn't acknowledge anyone anymore.)

Back to the relish date 8/09...Little did we know that one year later we'd be planning Grace's memorial service on 8/8/10. After the initial shock wore off from May 20, we knew how important it was for us and for our family and friends to remember Grace, to acknowledge the gift of life our gracious Lord gave to her and blessed our family with.

Today, March 21, 2012, also brought me back to January 2010. Our Thrivent rep. (insurance man) was coming to our home today. The last time he saw us was Jan. '10 when I was pregnant. (I was wondering if he even remembered. Of course, we don't bring that subject up.) Five months later, we received an infant death benefit from Thrivent. I still wonder where the benefit is in infant death? I'll say this often, “We have a child who lives in heaven!” There is no greater benefit for a Christian...My clouded vision only wants that benefit to be for someone who has been blessed with a long life.

As our insurance man was getting ready to leave, he said that they had a little girl back in November. I asked what they named her, as I felt the stab in my heart. I only remember that her middle name is Hope. I love that name, too. We congratulated him, and I rejoiced silently because it continues to be difficult to hear of that joy. All I can remember about my birth experiences is watching Grace die. I don't remember the joy. I thanked him for coming out, shook his hand, and quickly went outside for some garden therapy. I am so thankful for the sure hope that we have of seeing our loved ones in heaven...and it continues to hurt.

Everyone's time of grace is different. God's timing is perfect! I trust that, and I continue to struggle...

I continue to be amazed at how anything and everything can cause my mind to spin...relish and our Thrivent rep. of all things!
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Some might think that we've fallen off the face of the earth. I don't remember ever being good at keeping in touch with others. Calling, writing, or sending cards hasn't been my strongest point. We've felt it was necessary to stay hidden behind our hill the last 2 years. It's how we have been able to survive...to somehow keep going when our summer plans drastically changed in May '10. Bob has always had the God-given knack for building things. He amazes us with his talent. I've built plenty of walls inside of myself without a hammer and nails...walls that need to come down. The only way I feel that I can do that is by writing. My mind goes blank when I try to talk...so many thoughts and no way of putting those thoughts into words except on paper.

Grief is such an unpredictable roller coaster ride of emotions. Everyone means well...we know that. We all want to say or do the right thing...some do, some don't. Some aren't able to overcome the awkwardness of being around someone whose baby died. We make others too sad, so it's just easier for them to stay away...easier for them. The subject is avoided and that has been more devastating for me than watching Grace die in my arms. Again...everyone means well. In the past, I've avoided others using the same poor excuses we have often heard, "I didn't want to upset you," "I don't want to make you cry," I didn't know what to say." Pretending it didn't happen doesn't work. Acknowledgement means everything. Seeing silent tears from a friend standing off to the side meant more to me than listening to the thoughtless chatter of someone who felt it was better to say something rather than nothing. That probably doesn't make sense, but many things on this earth don't.

Nothing I say is meant to hurt or blame anyone. I don't talk much about our daughters who we get to share our lives with. They are not my struggle. Life after Grace is, at times. I don't talk much about the loving support we have received either. I need to talk about the things that cloud my head...the things that keep the walls up. This isn't about me or anyone else. It's about how I can glorify God through this.

We no longer try to wrap our minds around God's plans for us. We just trust Him...and it's not easy. Our faith continues to be refined every day. For that, we are thankful.

What I share here will be difficult. I don't open myself up to many. I'm too afraid of what others will say or won't say. Maybe this will give others a better understanding of what goes on inside my head. If you think you've figured me out, please let me know, because I'm still trying to understand me.

As I just said, I want to glorify God through this. I want others to see that side of me. Some do and many don't. I continue to have a difficult time rejoicing on the outside, but I do. I have joy and peace but it is no longer the unquenchable joy and peace we long to find here on earth. My joy is found in the sure hope of heaven...the sure hope of seeing our loved ones again as we continue to miss them. It's difficult surviving someone that we imagined sharing our lives with. Thankfully, Grace shared her entire life with us, and we know without a doubt, that she lives in heaven with her Savior.