In music, a grace note is a note that is held for a brief moment...barely touched on the piano. "Grace Notes" seems like a fitting name for this blog. Our lives changed when I carried our daughter, Grace, for 9 months only to hold her (in my earthly opinion) for a brief moment. She lives in heaven with her Savior. If only that comfort, that sure hope we have, would take away the pain of missing her.

"As you do not know the path of the wind, or how the body is formed in a mother's womb, so you cannot understand the work of God, the Maker of all things." Ecclesiastes 11:5

We are always thankful for Grace.

Monday, March 26, 2012

The Day After...May 21, 2010

Bob made a Facebook posting shortly after Grace died. It read:

To all our friends and extended family,
It is with a joyful yet sad heart I pass along this message. On Thursday, May 20, @ 11:22 a.m., God blessed us with the birth of our 4th daughter, Grace Elaine. Through His divine wisdom, He chose to take her home with Him @ 10:20 p.m. Although we don't always understand the why's and how's of life, God assures us He is here for us all. We rejoice in knowing that Grace was made a child of God through Holy Baptism before her passing and is living eternally with her heavenly Father.

Just before 8 a.m., one of the NICU nurses that spent the night with us, brought the moldings of Grace's feet and praying hands. I was amazed at how beautifully they turned out. The nurses and doctors had all been so wonderful through all of this. They showed so much care, compassion, empathy, and sympathy. One of Bob's friends, a fellow firefighter, stopped by after getting off shift and offered his condolences. For some reason, I could never cry when anyone came in the room. I felt as though I had to be strong for everyone. I kept saying things like, “She's in a better place.” “She would have lived a life of suffering.” “This was God's will, and we've accepted that.” This was all easy for me to say. I hadn't left the hospital without our baby, yet. I spent the rest of the morning alone in my hospital room. I didn't even think to call anyone.

Bob came with Heather just before lunch. Dr. B. (who sent us to the hospital the day before) stopped in and offered his condolences. He wanted to know the history of the pregnancy. I told him that back in December the doctor saw subtle signs of cysts on the brain, a small hole in the heart, etc. But I told him that we didn't have further testing done because it wouldn't have changed anything for us. He said that if we had testing done, they wouldn't have let me go this long. I didn't comment. I thought, “That's what you think.” I said that we knew of people that had testing done and were told that their baby had some issues. Thankfully, their baby was born perfectly healthy. We've also heard of those who have had testing done and the tests showed nothing, but their baby was born with difficulties. I wondered how many babies are aborted because of what tests show. Dr. B. said, “You should talk to more than 1 or 2 people.” Regardless, we weren't going to let the doctors play God.

Pastor H. came after lunch and gave a devotion. I don't remember any of his words. I just cried the entire time.

At about 2, Bob called “Ma” (our TN mom) and told her about Grace. She was going to come after work for a visit. Bob left at 3 so he could be home when Maddy got off the bus. All that she knew up until this time was that she had a baby sister. Maddy and Heather spent the night at our neighbor's home. We didn't tell her yesterday, because we didn't want her to be upset at school. (I can't believe that I was actually expecting her to go to school after hearing this news. There wasn't any logical thinking going on at this time.) I don't know how Bob told her, but Maddy's reaction was what we expected. She didn't say anything. Some time later, I asked her if she cried. She said that she cried one time in the shower. (Maddy is so much like me.)

After telling Maddy, Bob called up to WI to tell Britt. (She was living with my sister while attending a Lutheran grade school, finishing out 8th grade.) He made sure that she was alone. He said that he couldn't get the words out and Britt was crying and hysterical. She wanted to come home, “Now!”

Bob, Maddy, and Heather arrived back at the hospital by 6 p.m. “Ma” was already visiting with me. They all went to the cafeteria for supper. When Maddy came back to the room, she looked at the moldings of her baby sister. She thought that Grace's hands and feet were actually in the plaster. I think that we also let her look at pictures of Grace.

Bob didn't call the family to tell them about Grace until after he told Brittany. He didn't want anyone to tell her before she heard it from him. Britt, Maddy, and Heather didn't get a chance to meet their baby sister. At the time, we felt this was the right decision. The tubes and machines keeping her small body alive may have been too difficult for them to see and understand. We will continue to include her in our lives. I always want the girls to remember that they have a sister who lives in heaven.

Bob took the girls home at around 8:30. Once they left, I remember feeling so alone and cried the rest of the night.

One year ago today (May 21, 2009) was Ascension at our church. During the service Heather became very ill. Her breathing was strange and she was very hot. We headed home right away, but on the way Bob noticed how terrible her breathing was so we headed to the ER. While he waited with her, I took Britt and Maddy home. By the time I got back to the hospital, Heather was already in a room lying lifeless on a bed. They gave her morphine, inserted a catheter, took blood, tried to start an IV several times as she screamed. I felt like I was going to pass out. There came a time when I was wondering if we should call our pastor. That's how sick she looked to me. They never found out was was wrong with her. Thankfully, we brought her home on May 22.

How life changed exactly one year later. We would leave the hospital without one of our daughters.
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Some might think that we've fallen off the face of the earth. I don't remember ever being good at keeping in touch with others. Calling, writing, or sending cards hasn't been my strongest point. We've felt it was necessary to stay hidden behind our hill the last 2 years. It's how we have been able to survive...to somehow keep going when our summer plans drastically changed in May '10. Bob has always had the God-given knack for building things. He amazes us with his talent. I've built plenty of walls inside of myself without a hammer and nails...walls that need to come down. The only way I feel that I can do that is by writing. My mind goes blank when I try to talk...so many thoughts and no way of putting those thoughts into words except on paper.

Grief is such an unpredictable roller coaster ride of emotions. Everyone means well...we know that. We all want to say or do the right thing...some do, some don't. Some aren't able to overcome the awkwardness of being around someone whose baby died. We make others too sad, so it's just easier for them to stay away...easier for them. The subject is avoided and that has been more devastating for me than watching Grace die in my arms. Again...everyone means well. In the past, I've avoided others using the same poor excuses we have often heard, "I didn't want to upset you," "I don't want to make you cry," I didn't know what to say." Pretending it didn't happen doesn't work. Acknowledgement means everything. Seeing silent tears from a friend standing off to the side meant more to me than listening to the thoughtless chatter of someone who felt it was better to say something rather than nothing. That probably doesn't make sense, but many things on this earth don't.

Nothing I say is meant to hurt or blame anyone. I don't talk much about our daughters who we get to share our lives with. They are not my struggle. Life after Grace is, at times. I don't talk much about the loving support we have received either. I need to talk about the things that cloud my head...the things that keep the walls up. This isn't about me or anyone else. It's about how I can glorify God through this.

We no longer try to wrap our minds around God's plans for us. We just trust Him...and it's not easy. Our faith continues to be refined every day. For that, we are thankful.

What I share here will be difficult. I don't open myself up to many. I'm too afraid of what others will say or won't say. Maybe this will give others a better understanding of what goes on inside my head. If you think you've figured me out, please let me know, because I'm still trying to understand me.

As I just said, I want to glorify God through this. I want others to see that side of me. Some do and many don't. I continue to have a difficult time rejoicing on the outside, but I do. I have joy and peace but it is no longer the unquenchable joy and peace we long to find here on earth. My joy is found in the sure hope of heaven...the sure hope of seeing our loved ones again as we continue to miss them. It's difficult surviving someone that we imagined sharing our lives with. Thankfully, Grace shared her entire life with us, and we know without a doubt, that she lives in heaven with her Savior.