In music, a grace note is a note that is held for a brief moment...barely touched on the piano. "Grace Notes" seems like a fitting name for this blog. Our lives changed when I carried our daughter, Grace, for 9 months only to hold her (in my earthly opinion) for a brief moment. She lives in heaven with her Savior. If only that comfort, that sure hope we have, would take away the pain of missing her.

"As you do not know the path of the wind, or how the body is formed in a mother's womb, so you cannot understand the work of God, the Maker of all things." Ecclesiastes 11:5

We are always thankful for Grace.

Saturday, March 17, 2012

Why Now?

Why write now after so much time has gone by? So much time to whom? “Time” is a word that has a completely different meaning to me now. It seems to fly by, yet it also continues to feel as though it stands still. Pretty much all day, every day, my mind is going. I continue to have conversations in my head with people that I haven't really talked to since Grace died. We talked before that, but none of us knew what to say after our lives changed. I don't remember feeling anger or jealousy in the beginning, but as time continues to pass, I feel more of that. 

I absolutely know that we are not being punished by God, but it feels as though we are. I know that God allows struggles and crosses into our lives to refine our faith and draw us closer to Him. I know that we are all sinful and this pain is a consequence of our sins. One of my questions has been, “Really, Lord? Did it have to be this? Couldn't something else have been used to draw me closer to you?” Thankfully, He knows what's best. Thankfully, He continues to shower His blessings on us every day. It doesn't always feel as though He's right here with us carrying us through every moment of every day, but we know that He's here. I've often said that I just wish I could see Him sitting right next to me...but I continue to trust. God is faithful!

There are moments when I judge others and think that they're the ones that should have had to watch their baby die...not us. We wanted to share our lives with another child. There are others who struggle with another child. This wasn't an unplanned pregnancy...only the outcome was unexpected.  My thoughts and feelings can be pretty horrible, at times. I have to remind myself that I don't deserve anything good from God. Thankfully, because of His grace ~ His undeserved love ~ He doesn't see my unworthiness. I also remind myself that this isn't about me, it's about what Jesus did for me. If anyone knows the pain of losing a child, it's God. He sacrificed His only Son. He watched His Son suffer and die for me.

I have some pretty high walls built up around me. They were so easy to build...so difficult to tear down. I pray that sharing my thoughts “out loud” will help me to heal even more. Time does help with some things, but it can also make things more difficult.

Over a year ago, our pastor shared a very familiar Bible passage with me. “This is the day the Lord has made; let us rejoice and be glad in it.” Psalm 118:24 He reminded me to be thankful for today and try not to look back. Our other pastor's family gave us a picture that has this passage on it, and it hangs in our kitchen. They gave it to us for Grace's first birthday in heaven. We look forward to the day that we get to live with all of our loved ones who have gone before us, home to heaven.
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Some might think that we've fallen off the face of the earth. I don't remember ever being good at keeping in touch with others. Calling, writing, or sending cards hasn't been my strongest point. We've felt it was necessary to stay hidden behind our hill the last 2 years. It's how we have been able to survive...to somehow keep going when our summer plans drastically changed in May '10. Bob has always had the God-given knack for building things. He amazes us with his talent. I've built plenty of walls inside of myself without a hammer and nails...walls that need to come down. The only way I feel that I can do that is by writing. My mind goes blank when I try to talk...so many thoughts and no way of putting those thoughts into words except on paper.

Grief is such an unpredictable roller coaster ride of emotions. Everyone means well...we know that. We all want to say or do the right thing...some do, some don't. Some aren't able to overcome the awkwardness of being around someone whose baby died. We make others too sad, so it's just easier for them to stay away...easier for them. The subject is avoided and that has been more devastating for me than watching Grace die in my arms. Again...everyone means well. In the past, I've avoided others using the same poor excuses we have often heard, "I didn't want to upset you," "I don't want to make you cry," I didn't know what to say." Pretending it didn't happen doesn't work. Acknowledgement means everything. Seeing silent tears from a friend standing off to the side meant more to me than listening to the thoughtless chatter of someone who felt it was better to say something rather than nothing. That probably doesn't make sense, but many things on this earth don't.

Nothing I say is meant to hurt or blame anyone. I don't talk much about our daughters who we get to share our lives with. They are not my struggle. Life after Grace is, at times. I don't talk much about the loving support we have received either. I need to talk about the things that cloud my head...the things that keep the walls up. This isn't about me or anyone else. It's about how I can glorify God through this.

We no longer try to wrap our minds around God's plans for us. We just trust Him...and it's not easy. Our faith continues to be refined every day. For that, we are thankful.

What I share here will be difficult. I don't open myself up to many. I'm too afraid of what others will say or won't say. Maybe this will give others a better understanding of what goes on inside my head. If you think you've figured me out, please let me know, because I'm still trying to understand me.

As I just said, I want to glorify God through this. I want others to see that side of me. Some do and many don't. I continue to have a difficult time rejoicing on the outside, but I do. I have joy and peace but it is no longer the unquenchable joy and peace we long to find here on earth. My joy is found in the sure hope of heaven...the sure hope of seeing our loved ones again as we continue to miss them. It's difficult surviving someone that we imagined sharing our lives with. Thankfully, Grace shared her entire life with us, and we know without a doubt, that she lives in heaven with her Savior.